Secluded and Obscured
by funky pink high top
Summary: Miranda finally discovers her deepest secret...revealing, however, will be much harder...*COMPLETE*
1. An Insomniac Prelude

There was this type of warm embrace procrastination held me in. Like a plastic smile or a processed fast food burger, it was fake and chimerical, but it was something pleasant. It betrayed me, but if I let it be a surprise that way, it would be fully enjoyable. It was almost thrilling, putting something off. Your heart races like you're doing something wrong, but the truth is, you're not. Well, I suppose you are, but I am in denial here. There's no law against it anyway.  
  
I don't usually do things wrong. Nothing I say that is wrong anyway. Maybe the occasional class-skipping or perhaps getting answers to the math homework from someone else, but nothing extreme. I'm not perfect, but I enjoyed maintaining my virginal image, almost. I was pretty much a normal person. Lazy, at times, and (as everyone) selfish, but then again, nothing against the law.  
  
Staring up at my ceiling that night, I memorized it. The crevices of it soon formed into his features. I shut my eyes quickly, trying to ignore my heart racing from the mere thought of him. Damn it.  
  
That's what I was procrastinating. Telling him. Telling him he was wonderful. But he must know, I told myself periodically. He must understand I love him insanely.  
  
It was almost an obsession. On my mind twenty four seven was the burning passion eating away at my soul. I often imagined my personality would be licked blank if I let it go on. I tried to avoid it. MY BEST FRIEND, I repeated over and over, MY BEST GOD DAMN FRIEND. It was no use. I belonged to his shadow, stalking it.  
  
I turned over, restlessly. The sheets hugged my legs affectionately, almost encouragingly. Sleep. Everything called me to sleep except my thoughts of him. He brought this insomnia about me, weaving him into my eyes and filling him into my heart. I hadn't slept in weeks.  
  
Sleeping takes up most of our lives. We spent at least one third of our days sleeping. Resting to do nothing. It's a rather sick thought, wasting your life away resting up for it. I brought on a new motto in life: sleep when you're dead. You have you're entire life to live, just rest up for it later.  
  
This from the girl who procrastinates on her emotions.  
  
I could stand it no longer. I jumped out of bed, determined to do something; ANYTHING constructive. My cotton pajamas felt light and silky against my skin as I sat down at my desk. A breeze blew through the tree tops and into my room. I shivered slightly and embraced my bare arms. I gingerly opened my desk drawer, listening for anyone stirring.  
  
What did I keep in my drawer? I never paid any attention to them after shoving my little hair clips and pens in them. I shuffled through it idly, not really searching for anything in particular. My tan hands came across a smooth notebook. I pulled it out, vaguely interested.  
  
My journal. Well, not exactly a journal, but a blank notebook. I remembered vaguely, in a flurry of wrapping paper, responding with a polite smile and a minor thank you. I fingered it now, eyeing the blank pages.  
  
I was never a writer. I didn't like to express my feelings on paper. I mean, people could READ my emotions and thoughts and theories and ideas and they wouldn't be my own anymore! But a journal. a journal became more sensible as the clock ticked that night. No one would read it. at least I prayed no one would read it. I opened to the first blank page and pulled out my fluffy blue pen.  
Miranda Sanchez A girl, a dream, a hope. 


	2. Suicidal Happiness can be Benefical

March 11  
  
There's something incredibly stupid about people. Hypocritical and self-absorbed, we rush around in our little circles and take as little time as possible to think about other people's feelings. I know this, because this is what I do. I know its ridiculously insensate of me, but at least I admit it. Well, at least to myself. The only people who annoy me, doing this, are the people who say they are always totally conscious of others. Like we aren't all floating around in our own worlds. I have ONE thing to say to them.GET. REAL.  
  
Another torturous day of pretending arrived. I tumbled out of bed lazily. It's not that I actually slept, but filling your now-world-y possession with romantic thoughts about your best friend's eyes. I make myself sick.  
I shaded my eyes, the sunlight blanketing my skin. I spotted Lizzie McGuire sitting on the emerald turf. I felt a quiet feeling fall over my heart, looking at my former best friend. I felt so distant from her, watching her smile with Kate Sanders.  
The whole situation confused the hell out of me. Whether Kate changed or Lizzie changed, I don't know, but we were different people than from before. It wasn't that we weren't FRIENDS. We just were close no longer.  
  
I dropped my gaze as she met it.  
  
"Do you think if you stare at her long enough, she'll come back?," A voice said quietly in my ear. I jumped to see Gordo. I laughed as my heart did a little flip thing. Wow, I felt like such an idiot around him. I was constantly on the verge of a giggle, tickling my throat and making me smile like there was something amusing going on in my head.  
  
"I'm not THAT pathetic," I said sadly, sitting down on a bench. I continued to watch Lizzie in silence, fully aware of the body heat next to me that was causing my heart to thump. Sometimes I felt I breathed for Gordo. My closest friend. I shook my head, trying not to think about it. Shut UP, I scolded my brain. Just SHUT UP.  
I've always been around bimbos who can't think about anything but boys. They annoy the hell out of me. But what do I do now? Pardon the cliché, but I've never felt this way about any one before. It was a type of suicidal happiness, so passionate and pleasurable and PAINFUL to an extreme you could just die. Die right then and there and die happy, because you don't have to wake up the next day to recollect the passion and pleasure and pain. And then you want it. You WANT to love but it is so incredibly breath- taking, you can't breathe. The room is not supposed to spin when someone walks in the room.  
  
I guess I'm wildly the opposite of a romantic. Isn't that a realist? I'm not sure. Anyway, it is this pragmatic point of view. I stopped believing in love after my jungle gym marriage to Johnny Parks, the paste eater.  
  
Well, actually, I know that's not it. I can't exactly blame my doubt on my ex-fiancee. I suppose I can blame it on my parents.  
  
It's not really obvious. It wasn't obvious to ME even at first. They always looked so happy, despite the occasional fight.  
  
And then it got more vivid. Blurries of horrible four letter words and arms swinging and then silence. It all ran across my mind in a quick ribbon. They locked there bedroom door sometimes, in fear I could hear them. But I could. A girl who can't sleep generally hears things late at night. You can only dig your nails into your ears for so long, your CD player your only salvation. I memorized every inch of my purple pillow having it over my head.  
So maybe I need a stalker obsession that ate away at me. Maybe I needed this suicidal happiness to conquer the regular suicidal feeling. Maybe I needed Gordo. Maybe he needed me.  
@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@  
I know this was a short chapter. lol I know ALL my chapters are short. But I was eager to post again before I got sick of it. Next chapter is going to be a little less about the fluffy Gordo love and focus more on angst-y issues. Yes, they are a big part of this fic. There's also going to be a little more Lizzie, maybe some slash. if I feel like it. I probably will, knowing me lol. Thank you too:  
Starcraze: thanks for reviewing. Thank you, I HOPE I'm a good writer.  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Thank you for reviewing, of course, and I'll try to update ASAP (yeah, I kind of already did lol)  
Nahima Tala: Thank you for reviewing (gets boring to hear, huh?) And I'm glad you're intrigued. I'm hoping to intrigue people. Intriguing is fun in a box. I'll try to continue this, though I'm not very devoted to fan fics lol. 


	3. Disclaim THIS

I just realized.I forgot the disclaimer. MY. Goodness. I seem to be doing that frequently. DON'T SUE ME!  
Disclaimer: I. do. Not. Have. Money. Or. Disney. Because. I. Do. Not. Have. Enough. High. Tops. In. The. World. To. Buy. it. Love. Me. 


	4. Giving Him Perfection

A/N: Hello, my darling fans. I've decided to thank you all up here, because I feel like it and I am the almighty author therefore I can ::laughs at you and your simple mind; then remembers you're going to read her story:: oh, yes. You're okay too. Ahem, anyway, I'm just warning you this chapter contains a little self mutilation, language (that's a given with me), and homosexuality. Yes, thought I'd give my little lambs a heads up ::stares at the innocent ones adoringly:: oh, right. Moving on.  
  
Thank you to:  
  
Love-fool: Yahoo! You rock!  
  
Bonjour-french-bread: you rock monkeys, girl. Boy. Whatever. lol anyway thanks for the compliments and I'll update ASAP (as I just did).  
  
Kris721: I hope you didn't fall off your seat, because a hurt butt doesn't read fan fics well. Thank you bunches!!  
  
KT the Shimmer Skank: Thanks a lot! It's a compliment coming from you, because Less Than Beautiful is my favorite fan fic of all time. lol I noticed the vocabulary thing too, AFTER I wrote it. I don't edit my stuff, because that seems so. perfectionist-like. It's just me, who swallowed a dictionary two years ago. I'm afraid it is not as angst-y as I hoped it would be, but that's because I have ::cough:: Disney ISSUES. Glad you "dug" it.  
Bigg_fan: Glad you liked it. I know it is hard to understand, but, in case you didn't read up there, I read the dictionary for pleasure when I was eight through ten because I thought I was so cool. I used the word gaudy every day, and ever got in a fight with my friend just so I could call her clothing gaudy. Which it WASN'T. I also like to write the way I think, which is random and confusing and metaphorical. It takes a lot of analysis skills to read it, so be proud to like it!  
  
Pink Princess: Thank you! I'm glad you took an interest. I was reading the site, and I'm so incredibly sick of L/G fics. I mean, sure they're cute, and it's obvious on the show they will get together, but COME ON. There are only so many times a couple can get together. I'd like to write about characters who people don't generally write mainly about (as you'd find out if you read my other stories lol) but I settled for Miranda because. . . I'm weird. Thanks again.  
  
Keeponwritin: Thank you. I'm glad to know someone else has been searching for them. lol smart stuff about the disclaimer, but I like to make sure because. Let's see. We'll use the "I'm weird" excuse again. I'm paranoid too. I'll try to continue, as long as I am inspired.  
Read on, my fellow funkadelics!  
March 11  
  
There's this really ugly dress my mom used to make me wear to family reunions. I'd sit there on picnic benches, staring at the insane people walking around, occasionally hugging or kissing me, and all I could think was "God, this is an ugly dress". I felt so STUPID. I'd stared blindly into the orange cotton, running my fingers over the tiny flowers in a less than affectionate way. That's how I feel sometimes. Like I'm wearing this hideous gown and everyone is LAUGHING at me. I don't feel I need to be perfect, but it would be nice all the same. It's like that dream where you're naked in front of the class and there's nothing you can do about it. I still have that dress. It doesn't fit me anymore.  
I fiddled with my bracelets, letting Janet Jackson blast through my headphones. I couldn't hear any voices, but I could feel them. There were tremors on the grounds. Well, not literally really, but there was this negative vibe or something. With my ear drums practically bursting, I couldn't think about much. But Gordo, of course. It wasn't a voluntary action, I just thought about him like my heart beats. I recalled vaguely studying involuntary muscles in school. I spent most of that period of my life swooning over Ethan Craft. I wondered if there was such thing as involuntary thoughts. Probably. It's like dreams. You don't WANT to picture your grandparents In leather thongs, but if it happens, it happens.  
  
I pulled my headphones off suddenly. A dead ringing erupted in my ears. They weren't fighting anymore, I assumed. This was either because they got sick of fighting or killed each other off. I decided it would be a good idea to check.  
  
Leaving the comforts of my bedroom and the soft glow of the computer monitor, I treaded quietly towards the parent's bedroom. The door was open a crack. I leaned against the wall outside, searching to catch words in the air.  
"How am I ever going to tell Miranda?," I heard my father whisper in concern. My stomach lurched as I peered through the crack. They sat on the bed, kind of relaxed for people who were just screaming at each other.  
  
"Same way you told me," Mom laughed a bitter sort of laugh. I closed my eyes in a sort of wince. I didn't want to hear this, but I had to. I was craving to find out what it was, but I really, REALLY didn't want to know. I was torn. I was torn so many ways in so many places! I hugged my sweater tighter to my body and listened.  
  
"There's something wrong with just blurting out in the middle of an argument to your child that you've found someone else," He paused. "And that someone else is a man." My mouth went instantly dry. I didn't just hear that. I didn't just hear that. I stared blankly at the teal wall, trying to think of what he really said. And yet, there was nothing. I felt my blood rush and my emotions race. The confusion I already suffered from doubled. I stood up quickly and stumbled to the bathroom, dizzy. I opened the medicine cabinet mindlessly, searching for a cure. But there was none. I couldn't cure something that wasn't mine. I couldn't cure my father's feelings.  
It's times like these I wish I was a VCR. Then I could rewind over and over again and live in the past.  
There's something about blood pumping through your head that leads you to a state of almost oblivion. The cool tile was nice against my sizzling skin, and it was almost pleasant. I wasn't thinking about other people's reactions, though it did cross my mind. I was just thinking about how confusing life is when my body started walking towards the kitchen.  
I had no motivation to move expect the fiery anger underneath my state of nothingness. I couldn't recall why I was anger, but it seemed important. My dad is gay. That's something to be mad about, right? Was it really?  
  
The truth is, I was more mad at myself. This new discovery was harmful and dangerous. While I didn't need to be perfect for myself, I NEEDED to be perfect for Gordo. Having a homosexual in the family and having a temper tantrum about it was not going to help. Step one was to hide this juicy fact. It was a large crumb of gossip people would love to eat up, licking the plate clean. Gordo, especially, would never know. I laughed in a sort of hysterical way. No one would have to know. That's good.  
Step two was harder. Carry on with no sign of anger or depression. I'd act like I had never heard it; yeah, that's right. As far as I know, my parents are just a pair of regular, HETEROSEXUAL quarreling people. Nothing unusual. My need to cover up what was not revealed was verging on an obsession just in the last seconds. A few seconds changed my life completely.  
  
But how could I possibly control my anger? I leaned against the kitchen table, biting my lip hard. Every once and a while I would pace back and forth, clutching my forehead in pain. Pain. I sighed the word curiously under my breath.  
I stared at the steak knife glinting at me from the table.  
  
No, I thought fiercely. I was already IN pain. It wouldn't help me get out. I wasn't some....some depressed...depressed FREAK who cut themselves! No!  
The knife continued to glint, almost winking at me. It was tempting me. It was killing me with temptation. It would work, I thought helplessly. I can work through it!  
  
I quickly grabbed it. I sat down and observed it first. It was shining off the kitchen light, like a mirror. I looked at myself in it. I realized there were tears streaming down my cheeks. It was almost HIDEOUS. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't perfect for Gordo.  
Motivated, I pushed my sweater sleeve up dramatically, as though I was about to do some big theatrical performance. I swallowed and slowly placed the shining blade my skin. I moved it slowly, and lifted it up, stinging. Scarlet tears ran down my skin, and I swallowed again, staring at the bloody skin. I didn't make a sound, putting the knife slowly into the sink and washing. My arm felt heavy, with guilt almost. I blotted the blood mindlessly with a paper towel, contemplating what I just did. What came from here? I closed my eyes. Nothing. And that's just what I wanted. Nothing. 


	5. When Why and What Combine

A/N: Well, THAT was fun. I'm sure you had oodles. Okay, I broke a promise. The last chapter was Lizzie-less. I've disappointed the L/G fans and now I've disappointed the just L fans. And I'm ashamed. Well, not really, but I still love you. Thanks for reading!  
"I think we should hang out with Lizzie." Those were Gordo's first words as I opened the front door groggily.  
  
March 14  
  
I think someone should misplace Gordo's conscious.  
  
"What?," I asked, rubbing my eyes. I tried to ignore the fact I was decked in pajamas and my wrist was itching non stop and Gordo was watching me scratch myself lazily.  
"I think we should hang out with Lizzie," He repeated slower, as though I was retarded.  
  
" I know what you said," I snapped grumpily. "I meant why?"  
"You really should attempt to stop confusing inquiry words. What and why are two completely different concepts and-  
"Yes, yes, yes, okay, WHY?," I stumbled out of his way so he could come inside. We collapsed on the couch.  
"She's still our friend," He explained. "And I feel like we're drifting apart from her."  
  
"Gordo," I said witheringly, "That's because we are."  
"Well, then, I think we should stop it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Does that mean what or why this time?"  
"It means what it is; stop testing me."  
"Lizzie has been my best friend forever! I don't want to drift apart now!," He cried, frustrated.  
"You really like her, don't you?," I said quietly.  
"Of course I do. She's my friend," He sighed. "Will you please just help me with this?"  
  
"What brought on this sudden realization we were 'drifting' from Lizzie?," I questioned, trying to be cheerful.  
"Last night, I had this horrible dream-"  
  
"The one with the clowns?"  
  
"That was two years ago; sue me! No, it was about us, growing older. We kept proceeding more and more in years and then finally Lizzie was dead and we hadn't spoken in fifty years."  
  
"That's...," I searched for a word as I started into the kitchen, followed closely by Gordo, "Scary."  
  
"EXACTLY. Which is why we must talk to Lizzie. We don't have to be completely attached at the hip. I just think we should be able to say it wasn't are fault," He sat at the table.  
  
"Interesting," I said, reaching in the cupboard for two glasses. "So, when are we going to do this 'hanging out'?" I filled both glasses with water and sat down while he hesitated.  
  
"As soon as you call her." I immediately sprayed the water in my mouth across the table.  
  
"Say WHAT?," I questioned, wiping my mouth.  
  
"Is that why or."  
  
"HUSH. Why do I have to call her?"  
  
"Well," He said, wiping his face, "I figured 'girl talk' was in order."  
  
"I hope that wasn't a stereotype, Gordo."  
  
"It wasn't. I just don't think I'm, uh, qualified for the position."  
  
"This isn't a job interview, Gordo. It's a CONVERSATION."  
  
"Well, don't you miss Lizzie?" The question repeated in my head like an echo. I hadn't really thought about it. By the time we had started drifting, I was already slowly falling for Gordo, so the fact I was drifting WITH Gordo brought some upside. But actually missing her? I guess I did. I had no close girl friends anymore, really. Didn't I miss Lizzie?  
  
"Of course I do," I said hastily, realizing I hadn't answered.  
  
"Then let's try," He smiled at me. "Thanks." He continued to drink water and talk vividly about something, but I didn't pay attention. I smiled and nodded and watched him gesture, deep in thought.  
  
Gordo and Lizzie were that perfect couple in middle school. You know, destined to be married and live in a house surrounded by a white picket fence. I stroked my wrist at the thought of it.  
It didn't bother me at first. I saw it almost immediately; you'd have to be blind not to, after all. We were the Lizzie Posse, he being the shy love interest that she was oblivious to, me being the best friend to have her back, occasionally flaring up in stupid argument. I guess that's an oxymoron, though.  
  
Lizzie and Gordo even started dating a while once. For a long time, actually. It was the kind of relationship you couldn't see the end to; it seemed to be heading in the direction of saying their vows. I remember a lot of envy on my part. At the time, it must've been the fact I had no one. A few short flings were enough to bring my thought of love down to a bare minimum.  
  
It faded as high school progressed on. It wasn't obvious at first; a few busy moments, a few irritated glances. Nothing major. Until it became only too obvious of the Gordo/Lizzie issue. Being high schoolers, commitment was hardly something needed. Ironically, they wanted relationships like mine. Short, sweet, and to the point. It was one of those the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side situations.  
  
The friendship between all of us wore thin when Lizzie slowly became Kate's friend. She always understood Kate more than Gordo or me. Me, especially. She was compassionate, I suppose. I guess that's what made her perfect for Gordo. The two attractive, understanding people always get together in those chick flicks I watch and cry over. Anyway, Lizzie slowly wormed her way into Kate's heart, and it was goodies for all. Kate became more exclusive about her parties in high school, and only invited the "socially elite". Suddenly, Lizzie's time was much more consumed and mine wasn't. It's kind of interesting, watching your best friend slowly become the kind of girl who hangs out with ditzy cheerleaders with enough money to buy breasts. It was a kind of sick entertainment, true, but I couldn't exactly discuss this with Gordo. He, in some way, expected it, and was surprised I didn't.  
  
"Well, wasn't it obvious? Wasn't she always closer to Kate than you?" This was true. They laughed and understood and had this odd kind of bond. It was almost expected in secret, I guess, that they would be friends. How fickle friendship is.  
  
"Miranda?" My thoughts were interrupted by my name. "Are you listening to me?"  
  
"No," I replied absentmindedly, staring at him.  
"Well. then, call Lizzie today and invite her over later.I'll be there," He stood up. "See you later. CALL HER." He left the kitchen, leaving me lost in my thoughts again.  
~@~  
  
"Uh, Lizzie?" I paced with the receiver glued to my ear.  
"Yes?" She obviously didn't know it was me.  
  
"It's Miranda. Uh." What was I supposed to say/  
  
"Oh, hi Miranda!," She said perkily, as though she received a phone call from me everyday again.  
  
"Yeah, hi. Well, you see, uh, Gordo's, uh, coming over, uh, later and, uh, I was wondering if you, uh, wanted to come, uh, too." Was 'uh' actually a word? I made a mental note to ask Gordo, the walking dictionary, later. There was a pause.  
  
"Um, okay, sure!," She found her perky tone again. "When?"  
  
"I guess, uh, two?"  
"Great. I'll be there. Um. see you then?"  
  
"Fabulous. Uh.bye."  
  
"Bye." The dial tone rang as I stared at the phone. What just happened? I automatically dialed Gordo's number in an impulse.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"She's coming at two o'clock, and you're coming at 1:30 because I can't greet her alone."  
"Why not? Don't be scared of LIZZIE. It's amazing. did you know people are more commonly afraid of confrontation than poisonous snakes? I mean, with snakes it's all like HISS but with con-  
"Yeah, uh huh, just come," I sighed. "I haven't spoken to Lizzie alone in, like, three months. Just be there, please? For me?"  
  
"Fine," He sighed. "But the snake thing-  
"Thank you, Gordo! I have to go. Bye!," I hung up before he could continue his sentence. I was so comfortable with him in person, but thinking about him (as I do constantly) I can't stop smiling. I guess that contradicts what I said before, but doesn't our past always contradict our present? I hope I'm right.  
  
I wandered the empty house. Dad hadn't been home much, and mom didn't speak to me much out of "please pass me the salt" and "That sounds interesting". My scar wasn't healing, and I wondered if I would be wearing long sleeved shirts the rest of my life. It would pang with pain every once and a while, as if reminding me. I thought about doing it again whenever my eyes filled with tears.  
  
So some people are afraid of confrontation, and some people are scared of HISSING poisonous snakes. But me? I'm afraid of time.  
A/N: Ooh, interesting. Well, not really, this was a bad un-angst-y chapter. But that's okay. I guess. ::cries:: Anyway, reviewers, right.  
  
Joe: Dude. Um. yeah, everyone had a problem with the last chapter. I'm not sure if that was a flame or what.but, thanks for your input! I hope you keep reading.  
Starcraze: OH YOUR FAITHFUL! YOU REVIEWED BEFORE! I LOVE YOU! Run away with me? lol seriously now, that you for reviewing, and I HOPE it was a good twist because I wasn't sure if I was going to do it or not. And others..::glares at them:: BE LIKE HER. SHE'S COOL. SHE REVIEWS MORE THAN ONCE. SHE FOLLOWS.  
Krista: thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I'm sure Joe understands now.  
Keeponwritin: Thanks!!! I just posted, in case you didn't gather. I think the next chapter will be easier to write. YOU'RE FAITHFUL TOO. I LIKE YOU GUYS!! YOU ROCK.  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Guys make us do crazy things..::glares at the male population:: there goes my feminist temper.  
Hey, if you guys want me to put a specific character in it, just e- mail/review it to me, and I'll try to fit it in.somewhere..over the rainbow.::bursts into song:: 


	6. Mopping Up Curiosity

"Hi!," Lizzie smiled, her blonde hair waving like a flag. I smiled back at her.  
"Hey! Come on in!," I was kind of a blurry of plastered grins and fake friendliness to fill the dead air.  
  
"You want something to drink?," I questioned, leading her into the kitchen where Gordo sat.  
"Um, sure," She smiled at Gordo and sat down. "So. What's up, you guys?"  
"Not much," I pulled a pitcher of Cola out of the refrigerator, pouring it into three glasses.  
"How's Kate?," Gordo asked, trying to make conversation.  
"She's great," Lizzie paused awkwardly. "She, um, won that scholarship she wanted!" Gordo and I murmured approval as though we knew what she was talking about. I set the glasses on the table.  
"So," I grinned, hoping it was wide enough to fill the space. Lizzie being there gave me with odd feeling in the pit of my stomach, a sort of ringing melancholy. I felt happy she was there, but sad because of the awkwardness.  
"How did you do on that, uh, test?," I inquired to no one in particular.  
"Oh, horribly on my science test," Lizzie rolled her eyes. "I didn't study." Gordo opened his mouth uncertainly, as if prepared to lecture her.  
"That's too bad," I said quickly, glancing at Gordo. "So. Have you talked to, uh, Ethan lately?"  
"Ethan? Oh, yeah," Lizzie seemed surprised. "He sits with me at lunch, after all."  
  
"Good old Ethan," Gordo replied. "Sharp as a tack, that one." He laughed weakly, stopping only when I kicked him under the table.  
  
After a few moments of silence, I noticed Lizzie's glass was empty. I jumped up almost immediately and grabbed it from the table, desperate for something to do.  
  
"Are you guys going out or something?," Lizzie asked suddenly as I grabbed the pitcher. It shook slightly as my hand trembled. Gordo and I looked at each other strangely before laughing, mine much more processed than his.  
  
"Of course not," I said through a fake smile.  
"Me and Miranda," Gordo laughed again. "No, no way." My hand started trembling more as I poured the Cola into the glass. "I mean, chances are slim. Me and Miranda." He laughed like that again. That oh-you're-so-witty- Lizzie laugh. My hand shook to the point I kept missing the glass completely. The ice sloshed over the counter until I finally dropped the pitcher, causing it to shatter and send an ocean of carbonated goodness across the tiles.  
"Oops." I laughed feebly, running to get a mop as Lizzie and Gordo shuffled around, trying to help. "My bad." There was deep silence as we mopped it up, each of us searching to lighten the mood.  
The phone rang suddenly, causing me to drop my mop. Dropping things might have to become an Olympic sport, just so I can be talented. I grabbed the receiver.  
"Hello?," I watched Gordo and Lizzie look at me curiously.  
  
'Yes, Hello, Miranda," It was Gordo's dad.  
  
"Hi. Can I help you?," I questioned, sounding like a telephone operator.  
  
"May I please speak to my son?"  
  
"Certainly." I handed Gordo the phone.  
"Hello?" Gordo listened intently. "Okay. Yes. I'll be right there." I felt my stomach jerk. WHERE will he be? He wasn't abandoning me now. No, no he wasn't. NO WAY WAS GORDO LEAVING ME.  
"Guys, I have to go." Gordo was leaving me.  
"Why?," I exclaimed, causing Lizzie to look at me wide-eyed. That could've been insulting.  
"Personal business," He replied shortly, heading towards the door. I questioned him all the way.  
"Should I be worried? What's going on? Where are you going?" I annoyed MYSELF with all my questions. "Gordo, don't leave!" He shut the door behind him, leaving me to slam into it. I painted on a smile as I turned to Lizzie. She smiled back worriedly.  
  
"Heh, he has, uh, personal business." Duh, Miranda. SHE WAS THERE.  
"Yes," She smiled, veiling a laugh. "Yes, he does." Silence.  
"Is it just me, or is this really awkward?," I finally asked, shifting my weight back and forth.  
  
"It's really awkward," Lizzie sighed. I felt a mushy moment coming on. "Look, Miranda, I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you guys lately. I've been really busy with Kate. I know that's a really lame excuse, but It's not like I don't want to be friends......" She trailed off, sighing. "High school sucks, doesn't it?"  
"Incessantly," I smiled at her. "Come on, let's go to my room." Walking up the stairs, the words "high school" and "sucks" seemed attached at the hip. The cafeteria food, the seniors, the jocks; they were all related too. But once we reached my room and I flopped on the bed, there was more silence.  
"You changed your room a little," She commented, breathing in the camouflage. I looked around. I guess I did. I gave sort of a grunt of agreement. More silence.  
"Miranda," Lizzie said suddenly, "Do you like Gordo?" She liked to spring these questions on me quickly, didn't she?  
"No! No, of course not!," I laughed. "No way, I mean, GORDO." I laughed again. "Yeah, no. Well, maybe a little. Just a tad, I mean, a PINCH. Yeah, a lot. Hell of a lot. Could be love." I nodded knowingly. I felt like crying. "But it's not like we could date or anything."  
"Yeah," She said slowly, "I figured. I too like someone I can't have." She stared at the floor silently.  
"Who?," I questioned, instantly wishing I didn't.  
Bad emotions come in a never-ending river. Curiosity, regret, anger, morose; It all fits together. Don't make the wrong choice.  
A/N: Hey look I updated already! Aren't I amazingly fast? It's almost sickening. One of the reasons is it is kind of hard to find me on fanfiction if my work isn't updated regularly, so this might not be the highest quality chapter. No much angst, but a good, hearty cliffhanger! I think. Okay, maybe not. Well, at least I update! ::glares at her favorite authors:: hem. Anyway, I put in some Lizzie, and some Gordo, and some Miranda (well, I always have Miranda, seeing she is the NARRATOR) and some soda oceans, so I'm a happy high top. Anyway, since I updated so quickly, I don't have MANY people to thank, but I still love them lots.  
Amy (love-fool): I LOVE FAVORITES LIST. They are the coolest invention since CDs. Oh, yes. Thank you bunches and a half!!!! YOU REVIEWED BEFORE. I LOVE YOU.  
Joe: Thanks for that neat fact. I'll keep that in mind. I see your point, but Miranda is such a great, angst-y character to write about!  
Nahima Tala: YOU'RE the amazing one! YOU REVIEWED BEOFRE. I LOVE YOU TONS. ::is getting repetitive and loving:: Of course I won't make it a L/G fic. I'm not COMPLETELY insane ::eyes dart around nervously:: right? Keep it up I shall.  
Starcraze: Are you aware of how cool you are? I am totally in love with reviews, and you give me, like, THREE. HAVE CANDY!!! ::gives virtual candy to all:: oh, look, now you have even MORE friends!!!! ::is happy:: G/M relationships are becoming very groovy with me. Funny, really. Sometimes I just watch the show to see if Lizzie will just WAKE UP and see Gordo is in love with her. But on fanfiction, I am COMPLETELY sick of it, explaining this fic. I'm not PROMISING a completely fluffy happy ending, but I hope it will be satisfactory.  
GORDO ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!!!!!! 


	7. Stripped of Secrets

March 15 Anything, ANYTHING couldn't flicked off Lizzie's tongue and been less surprising.  
"Excuse me?," I questioned blankly as Lizzie played with her necklace. She remained silent, shifting uncomfortably.  
"You heard me," She whispered. I stared at her, searching her for any lies or truths or emotions in general.  
Larry," I stared her down. "Larry Tudgeman."  
"That's what I said," She replied, clearing her throat.  
"Of ALL the god damn people in the entire world. Larry?!," I mouthed at her wordlessly. She laughed, a short, sad laugh.  
"Yes," She looked directly at me. "Me and Larry Tudgeman." Her eyes made me feel horrible.  
"Oh," I said, keeping a straight face. "Well, he's; he's cool."  
"He's very sweet," She smiled at me. "He IS, Miranda."  
"I believe you," I said, getting up. "It's just......surprising."  
"Yes, I know," She brightened. "But it IS someone." I put my arm around her.  
"We missed you, Lizzie," I leaned on her shoulder.  
"I missed you guys too," She said quietly.  
"Let's make a promise," I said, digging through my jewelry box, "That we TRY to hang out more often?" It was now I truly missed Lizzie, my one true female friend. I pulled out a pink beaded bracelet and slipped it on her wrist before she could protest. "Keep that, and if we break that promise, break IT." She opened her mouth uncertainly.  
"Your dad gave it to you," She stared at the swirling beads. "Are you sure?" I frowned slightly, hearing the word 'dad'.  
"Positive." I laughed again, to lighten the mood. I had longed for so long to tell someone my deep secret, eating away at my heart.  
People are funny like that. You get onto a secret, even your own, and you hold it inside until you burst. No one ever considers maybe the consequences of telling are as bad as the guilt and such that tears you in pieces. I was relieved I told someone, in a sort of serene panic. It was a bond, a bond I hadn't had with Lizzie in years. It was a bond I wanted with someone for a long, long time. It was a bond I doubted I would ever have again.  
A/N: Yeah, I know, this is a SHORT chapter, so I promise the next one will be longer. The proper ending just came too early. Anyway, next chapter will be a tad more angst-y, probably at least discussing shiny blades and such. Now, shout outs to my favorite fans! This is my absolute favorite part (besides writing about snogging and suicide; yeah, I'm odd) because it means I got reviews! I am in love with reviews and e-mails. Did I tell you that? Of course.  
Keeponwritin: Ah, a faithful reviewer. God, I love you guys. I feel like we have this M/G CLAN or something. Which reminds me (sorry to interrupt your thank you) another have good M/G fics to help me along and inspire me (I accept L/G too, really, and slash ones) do tell. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH. Gordo is rocking sock-age all over the world now. I try to update often as possible, because I'm amazing, of course. Well, maybe not, I just have built up inspiration. Here's another update!  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Bwa ha ha! Since you have read this, you are aware. Thank you for reviewing. Or rather, asking me a question. Okay, it is appreciated all the same.  
Love-fool: I really like you especially. You have a friendly vibe from reviewing so much. I also like your stuff, which is a BIG plus. I could comment on your stories, but this is a thank you! And you have a cool name. Amy. Means 'friend'. That means you are my FRIEND. I LOVE YOU. I also love sixpence none the richer, which has fueled me through this entire fic so far. But that's off the topic. THANK YOU.  
Nahima Tala: You're another cool one. Three. Is. A. Hip. Number. I like four as well lol. INSANE. I love you too!!! NOSE KISSES!!! *more cricket chirping* Oh, yeah. Well, affection in general! Will and Grace rocks some serious monkey-age. You can always e-mail me or something. THAT APPLIES TO ALL YOU MONKEYS. I like long reviews. Reviews are fun in a box!  
PinkPrincess: funky pink high top. Pink Princess. I get it. Ha. We're SISTERS. BROTHERS. AND COUSINS. Yes, well, anyway, like your pen name and thank you lots! Yes, I've noticed in every summary there is L/G L/G L/G.It's like, SHUT UP ALREADY!! We all know the main character gets the guys; it's natural. Doesn't mean it doesn't get old! Thanks again. 


	8. Bonding in the Sky and A Rosy Scar

March 16  
When you're a little girl, you always dream of what you are going to look like walking down the aisle. I could count the beads on my wedding dress; I could tell you how many tears ran down my face; I could relive every passionate moment I experienced. And It hasn't even happened yet.  
I sat on the roof of the school. Not for any particular reason, really, but there's something beautiful about the sky from This view. I was almost happy sitting there, because I WASN'T living a lie in the sky. I wasn't living there at all.  
Colors danced sensationally on the canvas. I love sunsets. I was never poetic enough to describe it, but there's this feeling you get. The same feeling you get when the wind blows softly or someone smiles at you with no motivation. Another moment of suicidal happiness. Nothing gets better than absolute nothingness. You and the sky. I twisted a strand of hair, thinking about nothing in particular. More involuntary thoughts, of course. School, friends, movies, music and clothes drifted around the center of my universe. Guess who?  
"Miranda?" A voice interrupted my thoughts and I turned my head, annoyed. I pulled my sleeve down, which was a new nervous habit of mine.  
"Parker?," I gaped at the girl standing over me. She sat down next to me, staring to the sunset too.  
"You come up here too, huh?," She smiled vaguely. "I do, when I have to think."  
"What are you thinking about?," I surprised myself by asking. I never particularly liked Parker. We weren't friends; we thought each other weird.  
"Life," She picked a pebble off the ground and threw it in the direction of the sunset. "In general, really." She repeated the process, talking about her life as though it was casual conversation. "You see, I don't really feel connected with anyone now. Like, I'm some sort of weirdo or something." She laughed bitterly. "You know I haven't been on a date in a year? Yeah. I'm not hot to trot lately." She sighed. "It's times like these you wonder, 'hey, am I a lesbian or something? And if so, is there a big label on my head?'. Screwed up." She threw more rocks as I stared at her. WHY was she telling me this?  
"I think I know what you mean," I amazed myself again. "I don't really trust guys anymore."  
"Except Gordo," She smiled. "You trust HIM." Did EVERYONE know? No, I was being paranoid. I blinked and her knowing smile was gone.  
"Well, he is my best friend," I responded quickly. I must have imagined her smirk.  
"I always liked Gordo," She nodded. "Smart guy." Short guy, I thought, but said nothing. She sighed. "I've been such an idiot. My entire life, really." She closed her eyes. "I'm moving soon. Some where far, far away. I'm so happy I don't have to wait to get away from this place." She opened her eyes again, looking at me. "I almost wish ALL my problems could be left here. My mother's pregnant. Can you believe that? I'm going to be over a decade older than my sibling. I acted SO immature towards it." The wind blew, shaking the tree tops.  
"Well, I just found out my dad's gay," I said flatly. My heart sped up a little. Why was I telling PARKER this?  
"Oh, yeah? How'd you react?," She glanced at me. I silently rolled up my sleeve, revealing the red flashing against my wrist. She raised her eyebrows. "That bad, huh?"  
"Honestly? I don't think that's why I did it," I shook my head, staring off into the colors. "Things are just so screwed up, but every time I complain, I feel so RETARDED. I mean, I'm sitting here complaining about something I can live with."  
"Hey, we all do stupid shit," She touched my arm. Was it just me, or was I suddenly collecting friends fast?  
"I'm afraid of change, but I want it," I watched the world below us. Dogs barking, a few people walking around, laughter. We sat in silence for a few minutes, the same thoughts running through our heads. How did this happen? I glanced down at my scar. I almost smiled at it, but I'm not sure why. Parker suddenly reached out and ran her finger down it in utter fascination.  
"Don't be ashamed of mistakes, Miranda," She stood up. "Hiding is a lot worse than the truth." And with that, she left. Too bad I only knew how to hide. I am truly secluded and obscured.  
~@~  
There's something great about mystery. People generally thirst for knowledge, because it equals power. That I-know-something-you-don't-know type of thing. I've always pretended I wanted power, as people often do, but secretly there is nothing I want less. When you have power over people, you must be perfect. People are constantly waiting for you to fall on your face; waiting for you to screw up; waiting for you to be impeached so they can move on and maybe get their own 15 minutes of fame. Isn't ignorance bliss? What you don't know can't hurt you. And the thing is, that IS true. If I hadn't found out half the things I know, I'd be a hell of a lot happier. Sure, ignorance is destined to blow up in your face, but it does come with a short lived happiness, unlike the knowledgeable.  
Finding a rose gripping my locker was the perfect mystery.  
I love roses. These elegant flowers that can represent just about everything, from beauty to life to death to joy to depression; it was all so fabulous you just couldn't pick one. Mom would be excited. Then, I remembered, I hadn't seen her sit still in about a week. Dad I still hadn't seen, and I didn't bother to ask after him.  
"Who's THAT from?," Gordo gaped.  
"It doesn't have a note," I said, astounded. I secretly hoped Gordo was an excellent actor and was sending them to me, but it was doubtful.  
"Ooh, Miranda has a BOYFRIEND," He smiled playfully. "Interesting flower choice, really. The flower of LOVE, I do believe. Or sex; society really has changed these things around." I frowned down at the flower. There was that word again. Love. Why did people have to be such romantics? I stuffed in my locker. Why did I have to be in love with the wrong person?  
"Any guesses who Romeo might be?," He questioned, walking down the hall with me.  
"No, I don't," I smiled a little. "Though I have hopes." He raised his eyebrows at me, begging me to continue. "And I'm not telling you."  
"Oh, come now," He whined. "Am I your best friend or aren't I? Wait, bad grammar. Or was that right? What did I say? Oh, screw it. Aren't I your best friend?"  
"Yes," I said quietly. "Yes, you are." I grabbed a cafeteria tray. And, strangely enough, I said, "It's Larry. Larry Tudgeman." Gordo dropped his tray and looked at me. I couldn't keep a straight face.  
"Had me scared there," He picked up his tray again.  
"I have that effect on people." I glanced over at Lizzie, sitting with Kate. They flipped their blonde hair at the exact same time. I had never managed that soul-mate-twin-sister relationship with anyone. I had never had anyone who finished my sentences, who looked like me, who dressed like me. I had never-ending faith in my complete opposites.  
Lizzie must have noticed me, because she started to wave at us. We smiled and waved back, but nothing more. Wounds don't heal that easily. I watched Larry walk by and winked at Lizzie. She managed a weak smile, but turned back to Kate. Okay. DON'T watch your crush walk by. That must be a Miranda only thing.  
As we proceeded through lunch, a horrible thought came to my head. Lizzie LIED. The obviousness of it all was RIDICULOUS. I should've seen it. Larry. He was a nice guy and all, but Lizzie hadn't talked to him in years, PERSONALLY. And THAT'S when my next theory came up. Lizzie must still have feelings for GORDO. I felt a mixture of anger and gratefulness towards her. She had lied, but for the sake of my feelings. I felt so stupid it was so OBVIOUS.  
"Are you okay?," Gordo questioned as I pushed the tray away, holding my head in my hand.  
"Uh, sudden headache," I murmured. I didn't take my eyes off Lizzie as she got up. "Uh, I'm going to the nurse's office."  
"Do you need any help?," He asked worriedly.  
"No, I'm fine," I waved vaguely, following Lizzie out of the lunchroom. I would merely stop her and tell her I knew and that she didn't need to bother lying. It's fine. I'm fine with it. It's not some competition. Is it?  
My stomach jumped as I stopped suddenly, watching Lizzie carefully tape a rose to my locker.  
And it was then I was truly mad at Lizzie McGuire. Not only did she lie to me, she was trying to make me think I had a secret admirer! She run in the other direction quickly, not noticing me storming over to my locker. I ripped off the rose so suddenly A thorn tore across my arm. I yelped in pain and looked at my wrist. The thorn scratched my scar into an unclosed triangle. The light scratch glistened. Without thinking, I put to semicircles on the top with the thorn, wincing. It was now a heart.  
"Miranda, what the HELL are you doing?" Uh oh. Why can't Gordo ever stay in the cafeteria when I need him to?  
A/N: Heh, Heh, Heh. I'm EVIL. Okay, I possibly might do editing to this chapter, because it might give off the opposite vibes as wanted. But for now, it stays. EVILLLL AMMMM IIIII. Anyway, I want fifty reviews. I really do. Actually, I want 100, but I'll start at 50. Actually, Right now I'm working for 30, but LET'S WORK TOGETHER PEOPLE! I have an issue with keeping this story un-updated. It BOTHERS me. I just updated it today, but the chapter was so SHORT. Oh, goodness. Just review. PLEASE???  
Love-fool: Don't we all? Bunches o' thanks!  
Keeponwritin: A funky pink high top I am. Short, sweet, and to the point. But this chapter; no. No. Thank you!!!  
Caley: Ooh! A NEW REVIEWER!!! WELCOMING TIME!!! ::sings special song and does dance:: erm, anyway, yes. Thanks a bunch, and I completely agree.  
Adam4me: Glad you love it! I am hoping to be a writer, because I don't devote my entire life to just fan fics. No..never. not me. Thank you!!  
  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Heh, Heh, Heh. Look at THIS!! You're my question lovie, aren't you now? That's cool. I like it when My readers show an interest in what's going on. It shows good observational skills. I LOVE YOU. YES. I DO. ::stops speaking baby talk like an idiot:: well, yes, anyway, thanks! 


	9. Blossoming with Hope

March 16  
All I've ever wanted was to believe. I looked at Lizzie, the optimistic friend, who was so incredibly innocent and naïve to people's deceit and idiocy. She was almost gullible, she was so trusting. I was almost jealous, but I pitied her. I prayed that one day, maybe I could regain a sense of ignorance towards people; forgetting what I learned from walking among them.  
An ocean of regret washed over me that night. I sat on my bed, mindlessly doodling on my homework, and wondering why. Why was it so awful to fall for your best friend, have a homosexual father, and let people know you aren't who you thought you were? Because it would mean I was wrong.  
Everyone hates being wrong. It means you aren't anything but human. It means the first impression you gave is denied. It means you have no sense of control; you're just hurling down the black pit of nothingness. At least that's what Gordo told me once. And he would never tell me again.  
Earlier that day, I stood with a rose thorn cutting across my tanned skin. Pain was somehow better than anger; it made you the innocent victim rather than the blood thirsty murderer. Or maybe it made you a little of both.  
Gordo saw. The two words made me cringe. He saw me stab the lamb. He saw me reveal the worst side of me. He saw me reveal my worst enemy.  
What possessed me?! There was something about watching the luscious scarlet curves embrace my hands as a symbol of love; it just contradicted itself and confused the hell out of me. I never wanted to feel the cool blade against my skin again, but there was something of a naughty temptation. Those darkest thoughts in the back of my head crawled like shadows, distracting me to the better good.  
Without a pair of lips to caress my own or a heart to memorize mine, my body was nothing. As a strong believer that we don't need love to survive, the thought killed me. I was so confused, with half formed thoughts and prayers of what I didn't want.  
The look in Gordo's eyes when he saw me, it crushed me. Such disappointment and anger and sadness; oh, such WORRY. In the back of my brain, I could hear one single thought of happiness. He CARES. Yes, cares for his best friend, but cares all the same. Warm salty tears cascaded down my face then, and only then. And then I hated myself even more. Gordo would NEVER love someone who didn't love themselves! STOP IT.  
And then he reached me, and grabbed the new rose. And then he grabbed me into a rough embrace quickly, and then faced me. He asked me why. I didn't answer. I couldn't I was absolutely senseless with mind numbing hatred, I ran. I ran out of school, knocking over my English teacher on the way. Never again, I thought.  
"Stupid," I muttered under my breath, doodling more. I could still feel the tear stains, though they were long gone thanks to soap and water. No one even noticed I came home early. No one really cared.  
"Miranda?" A knock on my door surprised me. Human interaction? In MY house? Never.  
"Yes?" I turned the page of my notebook as the door opened. Mom, of course. She sat on my bed and put the basket in her arms down.  
"How have you been?," She asked cheerfully.  
"Fine."  
"Oh, good." She watched me doodle in silence for a few minutes. "Gordo has called several times." I said nothing to this. "The school called too." I glanced up, and she was smiling sadly. "What's the matter, mija?"  
"I know about dad," I stated, looking her in the eye.  
"I think I knew that you did," She looked down. "You're a smart girl, Miranda. You can see something that's right in front of your eyes."  
"No," Tears blocked my vision. "I'm not smart. I'm just a good spy."  
"Mija, it's not an easy fact to live with," She traced the patterns on my bedspread in deep thought. "But it IS the truth." The truth. I wasn't quite well acquainted with the truth anymore.  
"I don't really mind, truthfully," I admitted. "It's just that........" I sighed, looking out the window. "I don't want people to feel sorry for me for something that isn't horrible."  
"I don't want that either. But I'm not going to keep your father here; he doesn't belong here. I love him too much to lock him up," She smiled at me sadly again.  
"You still love him?," I asked quietly.  
"Not romantically," She sighed and leaned back. "I don't think I ever did."  
"Then why did you get married?," I questioned.  
"Because I thought I was supposed to," She looked down at her hands. "All my siblings got married, and I was destined to as well. But I didn't want to. Not really. No one appealed to me. Your father was always nice to me, and understood. So we got married."  
"Why did you have me?," I nearly whispered. I knew that grandma always wanted grandchildren. I knew the reason.  
"Because we wanted children," She stroked my head and smiled. "And we lucked out with you." It was that kind of corny line parents use on their kids all the time; loving with a touch of care, but lame. It was the kind of warmth I wanted all along.  
"I don't want to get married, mommy," I pushed myself into her arms quickly, before tears streamed from my eyes.  
"Shush, mija, you don't HAVE to," She cradled my head as I sobbed.  
"People are too confusing," I sniffled. "I can barely live with myself, let alone others!" She patted my head slowly, the room filled only with my tears.  
"Miranda," She looked me straight in the eye. "Don't ever sell yourself short. You are a beautiful person, and just by living, you are a blessing. Don't hide yourself because you are afraid. You are," She looked at me oddly, "A flower. A flower afraid of blossoming. BLOSSOM, mija." She stood up and left me to doodle. There were so many more half formed thoughts.  
They (we'll just pretend They is actually a majority of people) always say your youth is the best time of your life. I still don't know what would possess someone to say that. I mean, give a person a reason to commit suicide! If you know you're childhood has ended, what's the point of going on?  
Because you are a hope to other people, I realized. By not giving up, you are stronger. I'm not going to give up on myself. Not completely.  
The phone rang and I automatically picked it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Miranda; thank god."  
"Hi, Gordo," I said weakly, putting down my pen.  
"Why haven't you returned my calls? I sent you about five e-mails! What's going on?" I almost smiled.  
"Nothing really." I tried to pretend it was casual conversation.  
"You know what I mean. Are you okay, Miranda? Did I do something to upset you? Is something going on I should know about?" He sounded so worried. How could I NOT love him?  
"I've just been having problems with my parents; I'm sorry I scared you," I said. "I'm fine now, really. I've resolved something, and I'll be okay."  
"You have to promise me something. Never, EVER do that again." I thought about it.  
"Never again," I repeated. I held back more tears. "I promise."  
"Good," He sounded semi-relieved. I doubted he totally believed me. "You know, Lizzie was worried when you left." My heart froze. Lizzie, who I presently hated, was worried about me. Of course she wasn't, damn it! Can't you see it, Gordo? She LOVES you. I LOVE YOU. Can't you just decide and kill me now?  
"Really," Was all I could managed.  
"Yeah. She couldn't stop talking to me about it in science," He replied. "She even called me after school. She can't reach you over there." Yeah, right. Like hell she can't! "It almost feels like we never stopped hanging out."  
"I think she still has feelings for you," I blurted out.  
"I doubt it," He laughed. "Didn't you hear she likes Larry?" Like hell she does! "Anyway, she says she hopes you feel better." She said that to GORDO. Not to me. To GORDO. I felt a sort of hatred towards her. My, my, how moods swing.  
~@~  
I couldn't concentrate in school. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, maybe a sick ying yang of love and hate, but nothing really. When did things get so complicated? The bell rang, catching me off guard. I stood quickly and grabbed my books absentmindedly.  
Something led me to the girl's bathroom. I'm not sure what exactly, just an anonymous force dragging me to the filthy tile. And there stood none other than Lizzie McGuire. Oh, great.  
"Hi, Miranda!," She chirped, smoothing her hair. How I wanted to rip it out of her skull. "What's up?"  
"I know you left me roses," I replied, glaring. She turned around, pale faced.  
"Y-you do?," She stuttered.  
"Lizzie. Why didn't you TELL me?!," I screamed.  
"I didn't think you would understand," She mumbled to her feet.  
"Of course I'd understand, I like him too, remember?," I hung my head and sighed. "Look, you didn't have to make up some little secret admirer to take my mind off Gordo or get my hopes up or whatever. I get it."  
"Did you like them?," She asked feebly. Was that some sort of sick joke? I rolled my eyes at her. "Please, don't be mad at me, Miranda. I really want you to be happy. So," She breathed, "Go ahead and go out with Gordo. I don't like him like that, really. I just wanted you to know, or at least think someone else likes you. I'm sure someone does."  
"If they do, they aren't tell me anytime soon," I sighed. "Fine. It's too hard to be mad at you, anyway." I looked at her. "You're still the best friend I ever had, you know."  
"Don't get mushy on me now," She smiled.  
"Oh, and Lizzie?"  
"Yeah?"  
"LARRY?!"  
A/N: Ah, yes, another chapter finished. I. AM. GOOD. This was more of a chapter of resolution, though things are no where near resolved. I'm seeing a good few chapters to go. It's been fairly successful so far, I must say. Another go hearty shout out to the following:  
The Coca-Cola company-amazing fueling power  
Sixpence None The Richer-great inspiration  
Office Depot-comfy seats  
Microsoft Word-fabulous program  
AND WWW.FANFICTION.NET  
Oh, yes, readers.  
  
Nahima Tala: Aren't I though?? I love confusing people. And then I will hopefully straighten it all out, because the characters sure aren't. You're going to HAVE to review every chapter (bwa ha ha) because I love you SOOOO MUCH. Yes, that's why. I want to stalk you and be in constant contact of you. Actually, I'm using you for your reviews. Ooh, not only am I evil, I'm a BITCH. No, really. I love you truly. And I love your reviews. I love you and your reviews. lol I MADE A FUNNY. I'll update ASAP.  
Love-fool: Interesting..VERY interesting. I shall continue you, I shall I SHALL. I'm going to count the reviews you've made. FIVE. YAY. Okay, I want more though. I'm very picky. Remember, I'm trying to make it to FIFTY and I'm only on like 35! Goodness people! I must be mean today. But I still love you DEARLY. Thank you for reviewing five FABULOUS times!  
Sanah: ::gasp:: A NEWBIE. I LOVE NEWBIES! Hello, welcome, how do you do? I update often, I thank people, and I'm damn proud of it! Thank you MUCHO and I shall read your stuff because it is what I do to my reviewers. Thanks bunches o' nuts!  
PinkPrincess: Don't we all? Addiction. I'm glad-I mean, sad. Yes. Sad I have made a person become a junkie. ::evil laughter:: MY PLAN IS WORKING!! Anyway, I believe I can give you a daily dose, because I am almost constantly inspired to write this, and I know the plot front to back and I know where I am going, for once. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOU DON'T. more evilness.  
Keeponwritin: Oh, it's YOU. I LOVE YOU. You're a hip one. Don't we all want to be funky pink high tops inside? Oh, well. You are a............funky........something. I'll think about it. OOH. A GROOVY AQUAMARINE SANDAL. Let me count your reviews. FIVE FOR YOU TOO. Okay, here's a deal: Once you review me five times (this is to everyone) I SHALL NAME YOU. So (yes, thank you bunches again, Keeponwritin):  
Another note to love-fool: I dub thee GROOVY LIME GREEN SNEAKERS. You are all groovy. I am the only funky one. Oh, I have to do some REVIEW COUNTING. Okay, several have three or four. SO CLOSE. Yes, um, I must move on and post. I LOVE YOU ALL. 


	10. Cigarettes, Fake Smiles, and the Hero Re...

"So, you actually spoke to your mother, and you're life's magically not shit anymore," Parker gave a sort of not amused chuckle. "Some kind of fairy tale to me." She lit the cigarette in her hand and took a puff, letting smoke cascade around her young face. When did THIS happen to Parker? The thought crossed my mind several times during our new "chance meetings". The girl was practically my stalker at times.  
The roof became our "place". I found myself wandering there often now, for a good think. I learned to expect to welcome Parker silently. Sometimes there was no room for words.  
March 19  
Everyone, supposedly, has a guardian angel. At least that's what my parents told me in my gullible stage. I had always figured myself to have two; my best friends. Gradually enough, I stopped looking for one. I'm not saying Parker's mine, or anything. Or maybe I am. I'm not quite sure of anything anymore.  
"Oh, you keep a journal?," Parker watched me scribble, interested.  
"I have been lately," I replied, closing it. "Helps me sort out things, you know?"  
"Yeah. I did that once. completely backfired. I just kept writing about math class. I had a series of dreams where I was doing algebra problems in my underwear. scary crap like that," She laughed, blowing smoke into the air. She stared at the cigarette for a moment, and then put it out. "Stupid habit."  
"When did you start?," I questioned quietly.  
"Last year," She shook her head, closing her eyes. "I still have no idea why." I nodded. She looked at me. "A little advice, Randy? Stop fooling yourself. You're in love, and pretty damn afraid to admit it. But there's no reason to be afraid. You aren't exactly a weak person. Go and kick ass!" She hit my arm and got up. "I'm out of here."  
"Bye." And she left me to think. I threw pebbles at the sunset and wondered why,  
~@~  
"Miranda!" I turned when my name rang out. It was produced from Lizzie, who was beckoning me to come sit with her. And Kate.  
I no longer had a major issue with Kate. Now that Lizzie was friends with her, I tolerated her slightly more, and maybe understood her. I actually pitied her too.  
But I wasn't about to go over and hold an actual conversation with her. I shook my head back, but her beckons became so persistent I braced myself, then walked over.  
"Hi, guys," I plastered on a bright smile. Kate did the same, for Lizzie's sake. I thought this was nice of her, considering she would never ordinarily do that for any of her other friends.  
"How are you, Miranda?," Kate questioned cheerfully, in the same tone as she used on adults.  
"I'm great, Kate," I smiled, holding back the temptation to roll my eyes.  
"I'll be right back, you guys," Lizzie stood up and walked away, leaving Kate and me with grass and silence.  
"Okay.let's cut through the bull here," Kate said, her voice turning snobby. "I hate you. You hate me. But Lizzie still enjoys your company from her loser days, so I HAVE to be nice to you. So just work with me here." She flipped her mass of golden curls.  
"Fine! You don't have to be a jerk about it," I rolled my eyes at her. "Why do you always have to be so miserable about EVERYTHING?"  
"Oh, cut the crap, Sanchez," She snapped. "You don't give a shit about me and my misery, so don't ask about it."  
"Fine! I won't," I stared down at the grass. "What happened to us all, Kate?"  
"Life happened," She almost lost her snotty tone.  
"Whatever," I shook my head.  
"I'm back," Lizzie sat down.  
"Way to state the obvious," Kate angrily grabbed her purse and ran off. Lizzie looked after her, confused.  
"What happened?," She questioned.  
"Life," I said shortly, standing up. "I'll see you later, Lizzie."  
~@~  
I sat on the couch, flipping through the channels lazily. Nothing I wanted to watch was on. Talk show, talk show, news, cartoon, soap opera, talk show, talk show, news...  
Whoever said TV isn't like real life was an idiot (yes, half the population are idiots). Just flip through the channels! Nothing you want it ever on, and when it is, you don't feel like watching. It all follows this gigantic pattern of hatred! And then everyone is acting unlike themselves. We are all ACTORS.  
I ran this theory by myself several times until the door slammed. Mom was already home.  
"Hello, Miranda," My dad's voice chorused tiredly. It was so familiar..yet not. I turned off the TV and sat up suddenly, as if being appraised or something. Buy me, daddy, pick ME to be your daughter!  
"Dad," I tried to keep my surprised tone to a bare minimum.  
"I need to talk to you," He began.  
"Dad, I..I know," It was somehow much harder to tell him I listened in. "I know you and mom are.. I know you. I know about your.. I know."  
"How?," He seemed confused. "Did your mother.?"  
"No," I said quickly, standing up. "I heard." I was having serious déjà vu.  
"Thank GOD," He said, sitting down. "THAT was difficult."  
"Where have you been?," I asked, trying to hide my resentful tone.  
"I needed to think," He closed his eyes.  
"Where have you been?," I repeated.  
"The beach," He answered vaguely.  
"Does.," I shifted uncomfortably, "Does HE live there?" He just nodded.  
"Miranda.," he began. I didn't want to hear it.  
The phone rang, very conveniently. I ran into the other room to answer it.  
"Hey, Miranda." Gordo is GOD.  
"Gordo, Hi!," I greeted him.  
"I just got my car back from the garage; do you want to go miniature golfing?," He asked. I glanced nervously in the next room.  
"Sure! Sounds great," I chirped.  
"Great! Pick you up in five?"  
"Sure. Bye!" I gently placed the receiver back in the cradle, biting my lip. My father abandoned me. Let me abandon him..to mini golf. 


	11. Living In Mini Golf Castles and a Loving...

A/N: Sorry for the lack of note-age in the last chapter; I decided to shout out all together in here because I posted two chapters in the same day. I amaze myself, I really do lol. So much excess inspiration... I almost don't want to end it! But I know how I'm writing everything from here to the end *sob* so it is promised I WILL FINISH. And then I have no idea what I'm going to do. Probably not write fan fics mainly, but start writing more original fiction. I still have to think of something.any particular characters you want me to write about, tell me! I'll try to work it in. Anyway, let us continue to my FAVORITE CHAPTER!! EEK!!  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Ah, yes, my question lovie. This should answer most of your questions, and no, Lizzie does not love Larry, as the rest of us do ::looks at Amy:: hem. Thank you MUCHO for your reviews, let me count them..::excitement:: FIVE. YOU GET A NAME. okay, okay, think-age..YOU ARE NOW..GROOVY TEAL PUMPS. Ooh, I like! Well, question lovie, thank you again!  
Keeponwritin: Ooh, look, my groovy aquamarine sandal friend! Thank you for SIX FABULOUS REVIEWS...you rock the monkey house! I hope you like this chapter, I do!!!  
Love-fool: I like green too! I'm glad you like your special name. Remember: we are all shoes at heart. I heart you MUCHO. Kisses! Thank you! I know you are writing one about Parker, because you're a hipperdoodle. And hipperdoodles have responsibilities to write groovy fan fics. Look! ANOTHER CHAPTER. READ IT.  
Keeponwritin: Heh, Heh. You get TWO notes. Look! It's because I love you bunches. And stuff. And more stuff. And...yes. I love you. Um. I ran out of things to say ::gasp:: CALL THE NEWSPAPERS!!!  
Caley: Did you hear that guys??? SHE LOVES IT! I HAVE A FAN. OOH I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL. I WANT TO MARRY YOU ALL..and Gordo. I want to marry him more, I'm sorry. It's the eyes and the..well, you get the picture. Anyway, thank you much, my newbie friend! I love the name too; amazing I finally decided on one.  
Alastar: Intense is good..right?? I hope. But, anyway, thanks bunches for reviewing, and I'm sorry to hear that about your friend. Are they okay???  
Nahima Tala: ::balloons fall from the ceilings and confetti waves:: This. Is. Your. Fifth. Review. I know, because I've been keeping track of you, Hun. You're one of my favorites. You were my FIRST review. You rock some bad ass monkeys, dear, and that's why you DESERVE this award! You are now.::thinks of special name:: GROOVY PURPLE BOOT. Ooh, I like THAT one. Kisses and thank you!! And you are truly a mind reader. You'll know why soon.  
PinkPrincess: Sorry, fabulous. You only have FOUR reviews ::sobs:: It's okay. I'll live. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING, and I hope this satisfies your daily drug-factor. Kisses and thank you!!!  
March 20  
I was five years old when I was first told I screwed up. My grandmother gave me this beautiful porcelain doll with lace, rosy cheeks, long eyelashes; the whole deal. When my grandmother died, my mother took the doll away from me and stored it in the china cabinet. I got SO furious at her, I smashed the glass of the china cabinet. Tea cups shattered, plates toppled, and my dolls face was smashed to pieces. Her entire face came off, only leaving a huge black hole. From the ground, her bright blue eyes stared at me, rolling around. It was a morbid sight, and even worse when my mother saw it. I made a mistake. I made a HUGE mistake.  
"Hi," Gordo smiled at me as I practically jumped into his car.  
Gordo's car was an interesting car. A clinker, you could say. It was old and rusty, with the paint coming off and oddly shaped stains from previous owners. Gordo loved that car to death, despite its horrible appearance.  
He kept it as clean as possible. He didn't throw things around it or leave wrappers on the seats. He even had a little pine tree hanging off the rear view mirror, causing the car to smell something like pine trees and jasmine.  
The road dashed beneath us as we flew to the mini golf place. It was this tiny, junky place which was completely unappealing to those who didn't know its magical ways. We used to go there with Lizzie, to escape the popular choices to send a Saturday night (or so Gordo said). I hadn't given the place a thought in such a long time. I loved it to death, with its tiny castles and windmills that echoed laughter..it was the best.  
"This is the best," I grinned, grabbing a golf club. "Why don't we do this anymore?"  
"Because we're high schoolers who believe ourselves to be too mature for this stuff.. And we suck at it," He said reasonably.  
"Ooh.. THAT makes sense," I beckoned him. "Come on. We better head out, before those hellish little kids come and steal the pink ball."  
We approached the first hole; one both Gordo and I hated with a little leprechaun guy who laughs at you until you get into the hole. Did I mention that since the place is SO old, the little guy can't really laugh, but give a rusty cackle? And swing his broken wooden arms..very nightmare- worthy.  
"I hate this one," Gordo shuddered, placing his golf ball on the tee. "It reminds me of a dream I once had.."  
"The clown one?," I asked in mock-concern.  
"Enough with the clowns!," He said exasperated, hiding a smile. He tapped the dark green ball and it flew into the hole.  
"Wow," I golf-clapped. Too bad I sucked at this. I placed my hot pink ball (A/N: My personal favorite color for mini golf) on the tee and swung..and missed.  
"You're doing it wrong," He laughed. "Like this." He wrapped his arms around me, holding my club. He gently tapped the ball, and it went straight into the cup. I felt his breath on my neck, and golf was the last thing on my mind.  
"Thanks," I breathed. I shook my head quickly. "But... I much prefer cheating." I smiled and moved onto the next hole. I could still feel his warm breath on the back of my neck and his heart beating on my back. Oh, how pain and pleasure mix!  
"It's that creepy windmill one," I shuddered. "The hole of death." I smiled at him. "Remember? It was filled with mud and I dropped a charm from my bracelet in by accident, and you reached in to get it?"  
"How could I forget?," He eyed the Astroturf with pain. "It's more like the hole of death with giant spindles turning and chopping off limbs multiple times while sinking into quick sand!"  
"I never got the chance to thank you," I said quietly. "Thanks."  
"Don't mention it," He looked at me seriously. "EVER." I laughed as he swung the club. Why did it have to be like this? Why did Gordo have to CARE? I sighed and hit my own ball into a bush. He laughed and watched me shake my head.  
"You seem distracted," He commented, grabbing the pink spot in the bush and handing it to me. "Something on your mind?" You mean besides you? Yeah, I just left my gay dad at home thinking I hate him, when I really don't... I REALLY don't. I had a dramatic realization. I DON'T hate my father. I just resent him. I resent the world. I resent whoever did this to us. I resent, not hate.  
"It's nothing," I waved my hand. "Just thinking."  
"About what?," He questioned as we moved on.  
"Life in general," I replied. I looked to the sky. "Looks like rain."  
"What about it?," Gordo asked, ignoring my weather comment. "You haven't been...hurting yourself anymore, have you?"  
"Of course not," I said quickly, almost shocked he thought so. He told me not to. If I listened to anyone now, it was Gordo.  
"Good. I don't want you to," He hit the ball in the cup yet again.  
"God, when did you get this good?," I laughed.  
"I learned to," He said mysteriously, watching me attempt to hit the ball.  
"Wish I could." We moved on to a little castle, with a princess in the tower. It was a little blonde, perfect one, the ones I resented. There I go again. Resenting things. "When I'm older, I'm going to live in a palace like this."  
"What, on a mini golf course?," He teased.  
"No, stupid! With towers and marble floors servants...," I placed the hot pink ball on the tee.  
"And I'll live there with you," He responded, causing me to hit the little princess with the ball. I covered my mouth as my ball continued to bounce from side to side, knocking several things over before hitting a bald man on the head.  
"Oh. My. God," I hit my head. "Sorry, sir!" Gordo doubled over in laughter as I ran to see where it landed. In the castle moat next to the little princess. Great. I attempted to roll up my heavily bleached jeans, stepping into the chlorine-filled pool. "Where the hell did it go now?"  
"Here, let me help," Gordo offered, stepping right in. "There!" He found it under the draw bridge. He observed the castle as I cleaned off the ball with my fuzzy sweater. "You know, I can kind of see your point. This place is NICE." He leaned on the roof, causing the entire thing to tumble over and the roof to fall off. "SHIT."  
"Between the two of us, it's a miracle they get any business around here!," I gasped for breath from laughter. This was the kind of life I wanted to lead. Gordo pushed the castle back up, leaving it unsteadily tilting.  
"So, in between living in an unsteady miniature palace and hitting middle aged men in the head with bright pink spheres, what are you going to do with your life?," he asked, leading me quickly to the next hole so people wouldn't notice our defacement of public property.  
"No idea," I responded, watching him look over his shoulder nervously.  
"Well, you have a lot of options," He said reasonably, sounding like a father. Fathers. Argh. "What interests you?" You.  
"I don't know...colors?," I suggested, rambling things off the top of my head. "Animals... food... breathing.. paper clips.."  
"You could paper clip purple dogs to peanut butter sandwiches while breathing," He laughed. "Maybe I shouldn't ask... I just don't know how you're going to feed your kids without a paying job...sounds like a good hobby.."  
"I'm not having kids," I said shortly.  
"Why not?," He questioned curiously.  
"I don't want to get married."  
"Why not?"  
"Because it's stupid," I said lamely.  
"Good answer," He teased. "No, seriously...why not?"  
"Because love is a mirage brought on to people from romantic comedies and fifty cent novels, and today marriage isn't even about that," I said, sounding much like Gordo.  
"Oh, I get it," He smiled. "You're SCARED."  
"Don't use your reverse physiology on me, Gordo," I said witheringly.  
"I'm not. I just realized you fear commitment because you're worried about sacrificing your freedom," He replied lightly.  
"That's not true!," I protested.  
"Yes it is..," He said in a sing-song voice.  
"I'm not arguing with you about this," I surrendered. But it wasn't enough.  
"Or! Or it's possible you've been hurt," He stroked his chin, observing me. "Who hurt you, Miranda? I'll kick his ass!" He pounded his fist in his hand, trying to get me to laugh. I wanted to, I really did. But he was RIGHT. I was hurt. By him.  
"You really want to know?," I said slowly. I looked up as a sudden light flashed on. They lit strings of light around the golf course now that the clouds were darkening the sky. A cool breeze tousled my hair slightly.  
"I asked, didn't I?," He turned to face me. I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was how the little star lights looked like fairies or how deep his eyes looked then or maybe that little bit of living hope that rested in my stomach, but I did. His lips called me, and I felt them. Soft, embracing.. It was like a dream. And then I snapped, realizing what was happening. I pulled away, viewing his confused look. Oh. My. GOD. I kissed him. I kissed Gordo. I backed away quickly, dropping the little golf club. And then I ran. I ran like hell, just as tiny droplets of water started kissing my cheek, as if reminding me. NO NO NO.. no. It DIDN'T happen. I ran to the road, walking along side of it as the rain became heavier and colder.  
It wasn't real, I decided. I hadn't just screwed up. I HADN'T. My breath was short and quick. I was hyperventilating, wasn't I? I was going to at least. My tears started to mix with the sky's at thunder started to strike. Was it just me, or was my name being called? No. I was imagining. I broke into a run as Gordo's car started to near me. I screwed up, and I wasn't letting him suffer for it. I love him...but it was a mistake. It was all one big mistake. 


	12. Chocolate Pudding and Confessions

A/N: Ah, yes, another chapter. Again. I could hardly wait to update, considering I just got a bunch o' reviews for chapter 11. AND NEWBIES. God, I love newbies. And, of course, my faithful wonderful companions on the road o' life (in other words, my special shoe-named friends). I definitely have gained a lot from writing this fic (this is where it gets mushy) and I'm actually thinking of a semi-sequel kind of thing. Well, an M/G thing all the same. Though if I do write it, it will be sad ::tear:: at least at first. I haven't mapped it out yet, considering I'm not sure if I'm going to write it. Well, anyway, on top the thank you part:  
Almost-never: Well, well. A newbie. Love, kisses, hugs. You'll get a lot of those, because we here at M/G fics anonymous have formed a loving community..oh, goodness. I JUST LOVE REVIEWERS TO PIECES! I think I'm going to cry. Or not. Well, THANK YOU. YOU ROCK. Don't we all feel the same way about those damn cliffers? Thanks MUCHO again.  
The Elfin One: Of COURSE I'll e-mail you when I update. In fact, I just did. You know why? That's right, because I love you! I am completely agreeing with you (and not only because you read my fan fic and liked it lol). YOU ROCK ON HARDER. YOU ROCK THEM GOD DAMN MONKEYS.  
Caley: We're TWINS. HOT PINK GOLF BALLS ON FIRE! You're cool; you've reviewed TWICE. If you review five times, I'm going to have to make you magenta (I am the only funky pink one; I'm sorry)! I ALWAYS mention my reviewers in my author note things, because you guys are what makes this possible! ::is happy because she got fifty reviews:: Now, ON TO ONE HUNDRED! (funky e-mail by the way)  
Love-fool (Amy): Mini golf..the joys of it! Don't worry, I cheat too. I cannot successfully play mini golf without using my hands, and even then it lands in shrubbery. Luckily, mini golf isn't a fantabulous sport I need skill in to live! Or is it? Continue I will!  
Elfin1: You reviewed just now, didn't you? You sneaky little devil! I like that...well, you get mentioned twice anyway, because I like elves! Thanks bunches!  
Keeponwritin: Goodness, you are one fantabulous reviewer. Steamy on the tees, wasn't it? I want to play mini golf with Gordo! He could teach me how...of course, I'm like, five billion feet taller than him, but that's because I'm a freak. Shakespearean people rock monkey-age. We don't want our shoe sisterhood to be disappointed, do we? OOH THAT'S HIP. Shoe sisterhood! Okay, five reviews, and you're in the SHOE SISTERHOOD. That's SO hip. Kisses!  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: Oh, my question lovie, still full of inquiries. Remember: there are no stupid questions...only stupid people. ::blink:: never did learn the rest of that phrase. Oh, well. This chapter shall answer your burning desires, I do hope, and LOOK! HERE IT IS! READ IT!  
March 20  
Running, I've been told, is beneficial exercise. Besides trimming fat and keeping you healthy, it keeps your heart going. Well, the only thing I think about when I run is my breaking heart.  
"Miranda!" I definitely heard my name THAT time. Why did he chase after me? Did I really deserve this love? Did I really deserve this pain?  
I ran harder, faster, just TRYING to escape. The wind in my ears sliced against my skin, my hair blowing wildly in the wind. A girl can only run so much...  
"Miranda, stop!"  
"Go away!," I sobbed, turning my head briefly. No, don't speak. Use every ounce of energy to... I started the grow lazy in running, kicking my legs back with each stride. The ground became moist and my sneakers dug into it. Damn cheap pieces of... I fell to my knees, blinded by tears. I heard the engine stop and a door slam. I stood up quickly, determined to run faster, farther...  
"No you don't!" Gordo grabbed my hands, tugging me to stay put.  
"Go away!," I repeated pathetically, tears streaming down my face. I prayed it thought it was rain.  
"What did I ever do, Miranda?," He asked desperately.  
"It's not you," sobbed. "It's what I did. I'm to blame."  
"No, Miranda, no! It's not your fault..," He trailed off and sighed. "At least let me drive you home."  
"I can walk," I sniffled, and started walking, drenched. He grabbed my arm again and dragged me to the car.  
"In." I reluctantly hopped in. I felt immature, pouting like a drenched rat with my arms crossed. The rain pitter-pattered on the window. I could feel Gordo glance over to me occasionally, but he didn't speak. Thank God.  
"You know when Lizzie and you were going out?," I felt myself say. He glanced at me quickly.  
"Yeah..."  
"You guys acted really retarded. All lovey-dovey, like the world was perfect or something. I hated you guys...but I hated it mostly because I wanted a relationship like that," I admitted.  
"So..you're saying you...you kissed me because you wanted what I used to have?," He questioned.  
"Yeah," I said through gritted teeth. "Yeah, I think so." We sat in silence for a moment, drinking in this new lie. I wondered if that was disappointment or interest in his eyes. I knew what I hoped. I guess that's all I knew then. If only my heart were a book, and Gordo could read its pages and be filled to the brim with love and devotion like me! If only he knew.  
We stopped in front of my house all too soon. I said good bye, trying to hide my pain. As he drove away, I could only think about one thing.  
When I was four, all I wanted to be was five. I would cross of the days on my calendar until I became five, using a bright red marker. A couple weeks before my fifth birthday, I handed out invitations to a party. The day before my birthday, I could hardly hold still. And ON my birthday..no one came. I felt an incredible surge of emptiness and betrayal, and I even told my grandmother this. She told me that if I ate enough chocolate pudding, the emptiness would go away.  
There's not enough chocolate pudding in the world to fill this emptiness.  
I stumbled into my room lazily, only to find...Lizzie.  
"Hey..," I greeted her, confused.  
"Your mom let me in," She explained, jumping up and dropping a copy of J-14. I waved my hand to assure her it was fine. "What's the matter? You look disappointed."  
"I just screwed myself into the ground with Gordo," I sighed, picking up the dropped J-14 and flipping through it. I glanced up at her. "Don't pretend not to be happy about it." I dropped the magazine. "Go ahead, take him. I don't care."  
" I don't want to go out with Gordo," She shifted uncomfortably.  
"What? Are you telling me you actually love Larry?," I teased.  
"No," She replied quietly.  
"Then who is this mystery love?," I questioned.  
"You," She whispered. 


	13. What is Emptiness but Infinite Fullness?

A/N: I'm so happy from all the responses! Even collected more newbies...did I mention how much I love them? And how much I hate all the grammatical errors I made in the last three chapters? Oh, well, no one gives a fig but me. I'm just so excited to post, I don't edit! The main reaction I got from you all was "DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!! Well, yeah, I did, but I didn't expect you to USE it!". I KNEW the rose thing would be a major clue. I'm not so subtle lol. So I was surfing for Miranda fics, and I read like five, and I realized...THEY ARE ALL THE FREAKING SAME. To be honest, I had never read a M/G fic when I started mine, because I didn't bother searching for a particular kind. But MAN. Miranda ALWAYS has family issues and ALWAYS cuts herself. This is why I'm apologizing to Joe, in case he (she?) is still reading this. I can TOTALLY see where you were coming from, my friend. I guess Miranda IS the perfect angst-y character (female, at least). And I'm so close to 60 reviews!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! 60 is close to 70 and 70 is close to 80 and 80 is close to 90 and 90 is close to 100!!!!! YAY!!!!  
PinkPrincess (Joanne): Didn't catch yours, you sneaky little devil! Yes, kisses and running. Ah, so beautiful. SO sad. I loved that chapter. Mini golf and Gordo-kissing. ::zones out thinking about it:: oh, yes, you. Heh. Thanks for the review, and..::stops dead:: IS THIS YOUR FIFTH REVIEW. YES. LORD, IT IS. TIME TO NAME YOU!!!!! ::thinks hard:: okay you are as of now..GROOVY LEMON SLIPPPERS. Now THAT..is the coolest thing EVER. You are SO LUCKY. Kisses and hugs!  
Love-fool: Amazing, isn't it? How can you NOT love the Larry-ness that is...Larry. It's like, the LAW. I know I love Larry more than Miranda! Will continue, my Amy-ness shoe sister.  
Elfin1: Heh, Heh, Heh. I KNOW you. Well, not in person (or do I? ::creepy look::: gnaw, I'm too tired to stalk people) but I do know the elfish-ness that is YOU. You weren't being stupid, it was ALL ME. BWA HA HA!!! You KNEW. You are a smart banana, and well on your way to becoming part of our little shoe sisterhood (did I mention even guys can be in the sisterhood? Even a feminist like me would like to welcome the male community and embrace it..god, Gordo makes up for a lot of slack). Thank you MUCHO for reviewing and have fun!!  
See the light: Thank you bunches!!!! I'm glad you enjoy reading my imaginary Miranda views. I love to write them. I KNEW you would know. Well, not you personally, I don't know you, but people who like my fic are SMART people. I was trying to make it interesting, especially after the sense of making-it-better-well-not-really in chapter 9 (was it chapter 9? I think. I don't KNOW.). Thanks for reviewing!!! Update I will (I just did.)  
Caley: I'd LOVE to talk to you sometime. Lots o' loving coming form YOUR direction. I was hoping SOMEONE would be surprised, and I'm glad its you, as someone who has read it before. MUCHO love!! PS Would you rather be magenta or burgundy?  
Belle: Ooh, Belle.I like. You know it means beauty? ::nods knowingly:: uh huh. You knew that, didn't you. Oh, drumsticks! Well, anyway, thanks bunches for reviewing. I'm gathering a lot o' Larry lovers 'round these parts (why, in God's name, am I talking like a cowboy?) and I'm enjoying it. Lizzie loving Miranda kind of freaks me out too, but HEY! I'm the author; what are you going to do. Much love.  
PinkPrincess: Smart bananas, these ones. Groovy lemon slippers, you are. I'm sorry you couldn't be pink, lovie, but LEMON is like, the coolest. Feeding your addiction is what I do. And don't worry about being wrong. Everyone was sort of like "Ooh, maybe...nah, she wouldn't do that!". I did, I'm evil, I've been. Thank you MUCHO.  
A numb sort of ringing filled my body. I needed to think. I NEEDED to think. Think, not do.  
She didn't run. She didn't run like I did. She sat calmly, watching me as an ocean of emotions cascaded down my brain. She DIDN'T say that. No, I misheard. But what was I supposed to say? "Excuse me, did you just say you were a lesbian?" No. No chance in hell.  
"Wha-I-heh..," I swallowed and thought of what to say.  
"I'm sorry, Miranda, I just HAD to tell you!," She cried. Don't say my NAME, Lizzie! "It's been like this for a little while now. I guess I sort of knew after all this..this crap between me and guys came! I just knew...knew I wasn't right for guys. And then you. Remember that night when Gordo and I broke up? Remember, I said I could only love someone who loved me. And you told me it didn't always work out that way? But you DO love me, Miranda. Just..differently, I think. I just..." She trailed off as I put my hand up.  
"Just please...go away," I whispered, a horrible sinking feeling coating my stomach. She closed her eyes and swallowed, standing up.  
"Bye, Miranda," She walked out the door. I slammed it as her footsteps faded.  
"Don't say my name," I said quietly, and then shouted, "DON'T SAY MY GOD DAMN NAME!!" It was then I completely crumbled as a person.  
March 20  
My aunt told me about this moment in time all of us realized who we are. She said it wasn't dramatic at first, and you didn't know it was that moment until it passes completely. She described it as scary, but miraculous. I think my moment in time passed. And I don't like what I saw.  
So, like myself, I ran. Well, drove actually. I drove and drove and drove, with no real aim, just the hope of salvation from my own thoughts. There are few a times a person can honestly say they hate themselves..this is one of those times.  
I ended up, on a sick twist, at the beach. The ran to the ocean like it could drink me in and suck me out of this crap. The sand was warm on my bare feet. I was almost happy as I plunged into the water fully clothed. I floated on the surface, listening to the water block my ears in a blissful cluelessness. Thoughts of Lizzie and Gordo and my father and my mother and, oddly enough, Larry, washed into the ocean and almost left me, lazily floating around my skull.  
In my dull sense of numbness, I started fingering the scarred heart on my wrist. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, I thought amusedly. A bloody valentine.  
"Getting good at running away, are you?" A voice came, causing me to jump up out of the water.  
"Jesus, Parker," I snapped. "Are you some insane stalker or something?"  
"I've been watching you around, yes," She said curtly. "Only because I have nothing better to do." She sat on the sand as I somewhat reluctantly got out of the water. My clothes, clinging to my body, were soaking wet. "So..Lizzie tell you?" I looked at her in surprise.  
"You KNEW?"  
"I know people," She lit a cigarette lazily. "So..let me guess. You freaked out and blew up at her."  
"No. I just told her to leave me alone," I replied, feeling the horrible sinking feeling again. She blew smoke out, letting it curl around her face.  
"You really don't know how good you have it, Sanchez," She shook her head bitterly.  
"What the hell are you TALKING about?"  
"Lizzie's a good girl," Parker shrugged.  
"Yeah, I just have no...feelings for her!," I cried.  
"Yeah, well, sucks for you," She rolled her eyes. "Someone finally likes oyu and you have to be picky."  
"Parker, she's a GIRL," I said witheringly.  
"I know THAT," She said, annoyed. "But does it really MATTER?"  
"Yes!," I said indignantly.  
"Why?"  
"Because," I struggled for the answer. "The..the thing."  
"What..THING?"  
"Attraction. Love. Whatever."  
"Who gives a shit about any of that anymore?"  
I do!," I cried. I then realized what I just said. I CARE about love. Wow. When did THAT happen?  
"Well, well," Parker said, amused. Damn it. "So...what's going on in the Gordo department?"  
"I kissed him. And then I ran," I sighed.  
"Ah, the old kiss and run," She smiled. "I get it. What did he say?"  
"He asked me what he did," I tried to remember. "And then I told him..I told him I kissed him not because I liked him, but because I was jealous of what a good relationship he had with Lizzie."  
"Bad move, amiga," Parker tutted. "Now you're in some kind of sick love triangle." That I was. Great. "Can I make a suggestion? Cut the bull! Tell Gordo and get on with your life. The way I see it, if you tell him, you have a 50/50 chance of getting your guy. But if you don't..try zip, girl." She had a point.  
"I guess I'm more afraid," I admitted. "I'm not usually afraid of stuff so stupid, but...what do I do if he says no?"  
"You always have Lizzie to fall back on," She laughed.  
"Sick," I mumbled.  
"Hey, Lizzie AND Gordo are great people," Parker replied.  
"Is everyone in this whole freaking town homosexual?," I cried.  
"Better hope Gordo isn't."  
"You're kind of stupid, Parker."  
"No, Miranda...I'm just opinionated." She stood up. "Of course, that could be the same thing in some people's eyes." She winked at me. "I guess this would make a good exit. See you later, Randy." Now, the question is...Is this what emptiness feels like? Because I felt pretty full right then.  
So Parker was a little insane. Big deal. She knew what she was talking about...  
Go for the kill. Go for Gordo, Miranda. Full to the brim. 


	14. A Meeting with Kate and Another Bloody R...

No one has ever defined the word "strange" for me, but I can definitely commit to saying this experience, if anything, is most positively strange.  
"Sanchez!" I didn't feel like turning around. I didn't feel like doing much of anything, between avoiding Gordo avoiding me, avoiding Lizzie trying to find me, and avoiding my father calling my cell phone every five minutes.  
"Sanchez!"  
"What?," I snapped, turning around to find Kate towering over me.  
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but...we need to talk," She put her hands on her hips, leaving her purse dangling off her shoulder.  
"About what, pray tell," I questioned, trying to be as intimidating as a girl can be standing three inches below her prey's mass of hair.  
"Duh! Lizzie," She pulled my arm as I struggled to get away. "Look, I don't want to be seen talking with you either, so will you just LISTEN?" Her eyes became more pleading then bitter, so I stopped, crossing my arms.  
"What is it?," I glared at her.  
"Look..I don't know what your problem is, but Lizzie has gone WAY over the top. She's really upset," Kate looked almost concerned...no, no, her foundation must need another coat or something.  
"What does this have to do with me?"  
"Everything. Look, Miranda, think of it this way," She picked lint off her blue sweater. "Even I'VE accepted Lizzie, despite her...odd choices. What does THAT say about YOU?"  
"That I'm even more of a bitch than you," I hit my forehead. "God, this is horrible. I'm horrible."  
"Exactly," Kate started powdering her nose in her compact. She snapped it shut suddenly. "I have to go and hang out with people who HAVE social skills...nice to see you...or NOT." She flipped her hair and was gone. I was worse than Kate. I can't believe it. I leaned against the locker behind me. Isn't there a place on this earth you don't have to worry about how you act? And since when did Kate teach me these things??  
~@~  
"Gordo!" I spotted the boy as he suddenly turned a corner. He faced me with an expression I couldn't quite make out.  
"Oh, so you want to talk to me NOW," He nodded. "Okay, I see. I have to be flexible for Miranda!" He was ANGRY. My heart melted completely, in cold, hard drops.  
"Please don't be mad, Gordo!," I grabbed his arm.  
"Question; Why?," He stopped, crossing his arms.  
"Because..because I'm your best friend!," I cried, exasperated.  
"Yeah, my best friend who...," He looked around, dropping his voice, "Kissed me and then told me it was because she was JEALOUS of me."  
"So..you actually wanted me to kiss you for the sake of attraction?," I asked slowly.  
"Does it even MATTER anymore? Miranda...," He trailed off, waving his arms with exasperation. "Forget it. Just...forget it ever happened. I have to get to class."  
"There's something else," I said low, stopping him again.  
"What?"  
"It's Lizzie. She..," I shifted uncomfortable. "She's in love with me." He stared at me blankly.  
"Is this some kind of sick JOKE?," He cried.  
"I wish it was," I shook my head. He stared at me, then laughed this kind of insane laugh.  
"Oh..I get it! You still think I like Lizzie!," He laughed again. "Ooh, that's fresh."  
"This isn't all about YOU, Gordo." Well, it was to me, but he didn't have to know that. "And why on earth would I say Lizzie is...you know, if I thought you liked her?"  
"Jealousy, perhaps?," He glared.  
"Oh, get over it, Gordo! That's not why I kissed you!" People started to stare at me.  
"It isn't?"  
"No, it isn't. But that's not the point," I said, dropping my voice. "The point is, I have no idea what to do about Lizzie!"  
"So you kissed me to prove to Lizzie-  
"No, damn it! Get off the mini golf part! I didn't know until AFTER."  
"So you kissed me because.."  
"Will you stop trying to analyze me, for God's sake, and help me??"  
For someone who was on my mind twenty four seven, he sure annoyed me at times.  
"I don't know how I can help you any," He said uncomfortably. "I actually kind of suspected something..." Did everyone see this coming but me?  
"Why?"  
"I don't know...Lizzie's never looked at me the way she looks at you, I guess," he was even more uncomfortable than before, as we were bordering on 'Girl Talk'.  
"That is possibly the weirdest thing I have ever heard."  
"Why did you tell me this, anyway? Are you sure Lizzie wants ME to know?"  
"Why wouldn't she?," I questioned, surprised.  
"Because it's her private life!," He cried.  
"Well, it's part of my life too," I responded lamely. Why did I feel like I was suddenly in an EXTREMELY lame soap opera?  
"Just..don't tell me these things," He sighed. My heart stopped.  
"You do love Lizzie, don't you?" Now we really WERE in some sick love triangle.  
"Yes..and NO. I don't know!," He sighed again, leaning against the water fountain.  
"Don't let me influence your opinion," I backed away, not really meaning the words. "I mean, you guys were, after all, the PERFECT couple."  
"Miranda, it doesn't exactly WORK like that anymore," Gordo said as the bell rang. "Oh, great. Now I'm late."  
"Well, just go to class then!," I yelled.  
"Fine! I will!," He yelled back. Wow, I thought as he left me. That didn't make sense. Nothing really made sense anymore. I silently embraced myself as the hallways began to clear completely. I didn't feel like moving on. A horrible feeling hatched in the pit of my stomach.  
Stumbling around the empty halls was all I could really do. Dodging the occasional nosy teacher, bumping my hip against lockers, and scuffing my shoes were the best I could manage.  
I thought, mostly. I tried to make sense of what had happened the last couple days, but it was all one endless string of senseless babble. The thoughts flew as run-ons, teasing me like a ribbon of torture. I leaned against the wall and longed for the simplicity of childhood.  
It was then it happened. Everything froze as I heard a familiar sound come from the girl's bathroom. My stomach lurched as I recognized it as sobbing. I pushed the heavy door open, not quite sure what to expect.  
Lizzie was on the floor, on her knees. Turn around was my first initial reaction, but then I stopped, staring at her hands. They had blood on them. She looked up at me with eyes filled with nothing but cold emptiness. She reminded me of myself. I saw myself in her eyes. And so I sat next to her silently.  
"I didn't mean to," She sniffled. "I just..." She held up a rose. She WAS me. "I just brought this for you and...and then..I thought, 'no, Lizzie, no'. And then next thing I knew, I was squeezing the stem so tight and the thorns.." She yelped with pain and dropped the rose. And then I did something I wouldn't have done five minutes before. I hugged her.  
As much as she scared me, I wanted Lizzie as my friend. Memories brushed past my face and I knew I would never forget them. I kept them locked up tight, taking them out only to treasure the past.  
"Do you think..," I bit my lip. "Do you think we could be friends again?"  
"Were we ever not friends?," She smiled slightly. She handed me the bracelet she was wearing, which was now covered in blood. The one I gave her. I guess there really is a friends forever....just a very, VERY complicated one.  
A/N: Eh, I love you all, but I'm tired. I'll write ALL the author notes next chapter. I'll just apologize now for the bad spacing and grammar. Fan fiction screws up my spacing and grammar..well, screw it lol. And I'm also currently aware no one READS these, so I can tell everyone that there's a fruit loop dancing on their head and they wouldn't know. Yeah, I've decided I don't like criticism, constructive it may be. I welcome it, I even embrace it, but unless I can do something about it, I don't give a, lovies. And, also, if it is something someone has already informed me of, or if it is something I already know, don't bother. For example, I even enjoy you telling me something I can fix and that I didn't realized before, but if I can't fix it, and I know it is an issue, DO NOT BOTHER. Please keep this in mind, people. Thank you! I love you, and I'll see you all next chapter! 


	15. Awkward Science Class and LizzieGordo bo...

A/N: Oh, goodness. So many newbies...so many people to thank..so many things to say..  
Caley: You rock monkeys, Dudette. Serious monkeys. I shall pick a very nice color for you, of course. I hope Miranda ends up with Gordo too..I'm scaring myself with the Lizzie-ness. Parker's appearances are EXTREMELY unique; I'm not quite sure why they are there but OH WELL. Glad you like it, and I'll update ASAP. Thanks!  
Jennavette: I'm glad you find it intriguing. I know what you mean about the stupid spacing; I've tired my best (believe me, it was A LOT worse before when it was all one long run-on) to change it, but it refuses because of fan fiction. I'm trying something new in this one though, so thanks for pointing it out. I do like to heard my readers opinions, even if I don't like them sometimes lol. Thanks bunches!  
Joe: I love that. "you got more twists than the California coast line." Smart dude there. Glad you find it "classic" (I think), and glad to see you are still reading.  
Nahima Tala: No big deal, my amiga. No worries. I LOVE your bio now; you rock monkeys. As a member of the Shoe Sisterhood, you have MANY duties to fulfill. Like....um, getting that bucket....and..bringing it here. Yes, THAT'S it, by Joe. Wow-like. Corn flakes...you crazy boot! I HAVE A BODYGUARD. BWA HA. You kick ass, Groovy Purple Boot. You do that. Thank you MUCHO!!!  
Jay: Dude...you're COOL. ::points at Jay:: THIS...is an example of a good reviewer. Short, true, but that's okay! Sweet and simple. Unlike my story. Look! Another chapter! Let's run to it!  
KarasumaFirestorm: DID I ever get to thank you? My memory is going..my secret reviewer...oh, god, I AM losing my memory. Well, anyway, yes, thank you! Parker, voice-of-reason..BWA HA. It is quite possible (the homosexual thing). You never know about those Disney shows. Update soon I will, and just did. Props back (can't use slang without sounding like a dork)!  
See the light: Miranda, unsympathetic...yes, I see your point. My grammar issues...okay, sorry, I know it is annoying when people say this, but you spelled grammar wrong. One thing grammar and I have in a relationship is the spelling. Yes, everyone does it, so don't worry about it. Anyway, moving on, editing is my issue, of course. I THINK I said that, but with my bad memory, what are you going to do. If you guys don't understand what I say at all, please feel free to tell me and get me to correct it. Writing curse. And about the spacing...that's actually what I do; fan fiction just screws that up for some dumb reason. All the spacing does it make sure each paragraph isn't a huge run-on for me. Like I said, I'll try to separate the author notes and the story more evenly, but there's not much I can do about the regular spacing, sorry. I'm glad you like the story despite it anyway! Thanks a bunch for the advice and the compliments. To you, see the light! Kisses!  
Almost-never: THANKS!!!!! Updating as fast as I can! I am SO determined to finish this. ::sobs:: its so close to ending!  
Brooke: I get what your saying. I actually write more original fiction than fan fiction; this is just a inspiration-overload type thing. I've never written something based on a Disney show so constantly before lol. The Degrassi thing is a good idea, I just never thought about it. I just thought it would be fun (in a sick kind of way) to write Lizzie McGuire like it was actually like real life, and if solutions weren't made in half an hour. You can see my original stuff on www.fictionpress.net under Rosaline Heartt, if you really want to read it. I'm glad you like it so far though! Thanks a bunch.  
Elfin1: Heh, Heh, Heh. We meet again. I'm going to have to start counting reviews (please tell me if you think I missed your fifth review, people). Fruit loops are always dancing on MY head, I know. Glad Gordo actually sounds like himself. Gordo sounding like a Lizzie..::shudders:: WOW. Kisses, Charlotte.  
PinkPrincess: I know what you would do! Eat paper. ::blink:: Oh, wait, that's what I would do. WELCOME TO OUR SISTERHOOD. Hey, has anyone else noticed you don't talk to your other sisters? Just curious. Got to love Gordo and his analysis skills!!!!! WOO HOO. Kisses, Joanna, and Thanks bunches!!!  
March 21  
My mother once said being awkward just shows someone you care how they feel. You don't want to come on too strong, or be a push over. I say it is just cheap worry.  
"The lion cubs tear apart the third in an angry fight," I cringed as the narrator said this properly. "Victory is endless." God, I hated those science videos. Graphic and uncomfortable...like porn, but really, REALLY boring.  
"It is now time for our once cub, now fierce lion, to pick a mate." Oh, God. I felt Gordo and Lizzie shift uncomfortably next to me. They barely spoke to each other; barely met each other's eyes. The video suddenly became a lot more interesting to the viewers around me. Oh, God.  
I could feel the room become very heated as the three of us nervously looked elsewhere, finding the references to our own lives in the animal kingdom.  
"The kingdom cannot survive without this process; without both men and women, there would be nothing but a barren waste land," The narrator said slowly, emphasizing each word. The horrors of science class.  
~@~  
"Guys," I addressed Lizzie and Gordo at the Digital Bean. "Do you think anything will ever be the same?"  
"People change," Gordo said wisely. "Things change. You can't help it. You can't step in the same river twice."  
"I wish that wasn't true," Lizzie said, staring down at her scarred hands. "I feel like we changed by mistake."  
"I think we were sort of, you know, destined," I said suddenly. "Like, we're supposed to make all these stupid mistakes so we learn something..."  
"Live, learn, and love," Gordo replied.  
"Exactly," Lizzie whispered. We sat in silence, watching the people around us laugh and chatter idly.  
"Well, I'm outtie," I stood up, pulling on my denim jacket. "Are you guys coming?" They looked at each other.  
"Lizzie and I have to talk for a second. You go on," Gordo smiled.  
"Okay," I shrugged, hiding my suspicions. "See you guys soon?"  
"Sure."  
"Of course." And I was gone, leaving them to share a moment I would never know. Jealously is bittersweet.  
I trudged along the sidewalk, not really wanting to go anywhere.  
"What's going on, Sanchez?," I wasn't surprised to hear Parker's voice. She linked arms with me instantly, catching me off guard.  
"Oh. Nothing much," I lied.  
"Bullshit," She said calmly. "There's always SOMETHING going on in the fabulous life of Miranda Sanchez. Come now. What are you hiding?"  
"You're in a good mood," I eyed her mile wide smile. "Why don't you tell me what's going on for once?"  
"Me? Yeah, right. Interesting things happening to me. Heh!," She still grinned.  
"Tell me, or I'll push you in the street."  
"Fine. I met a guy. Well, I knew him from before, but I met his other side! The one I like. And he asked me out. And I said yes. And I'm excited!" I had never seen Parker so..giddy. So out of character. So...weird.  
"Who is he?"  
"Larry Tudgeman." And so the surprise train keeps rolling. It's about time he got in on the action.  
Someone once told me the world won't stop turning for one mistake. And I guess that's true, in a way. Things that are so important to you aren't nearly as important to other people.  
But standing there, listening to Parker, all I could think about was Gordo and Lizzie, knowing the world would stop turning if I could never kiss him again.  
A/N: Short chapter, of course. What did you expect? Oh, well. I'm taking this story to an end ::sob:: but we still have about two chapters to go. We have unsettled stuff to deal with. It also happens to be a bad chapter, so flame away! 


	16. Semiecstasy, Intruders, and HandHolding

March 22  
The word ecstasy is defined as intense joy or delight. I don't know about INTENSE, but I am definitely feeling joy or delight. Miranda Sanchez: inventor of semi-ecstasy.  
I stared at the blank ceiling again, as I did many times before. And yet, somehow, it was different. The blankness was no longer a white canvas, waiting for me to brush Gordo's face with gentle peaches and creams. It was filled with its blankness, and it no longer needed me to change it into what I wanted. It was a lonely sort of fullness, but it was full. Beggars can't be choosers.  
My bed sheets were being washed, so it was just me and the mattress that lazy afternoon. I was yet again embraced with procrastination. Of what, I wasn't quite sure, but a nagging feeling in the back of my brain made it very difficult for me to think of nothing.  
A knock came to my door.  
"Yes?," I mumbled.  
"Can I come in?," Gordo stuck his head in.  
"Sure," I didn't bother moving. He laid next to me, bringing the heated feeling back in my body.  
"What's going on?," He asked, using my shoulder as a rest for his chin.  
"Nothing," I said truthfully. "At all."  
"Riveting," He smiled.  
"What did you guys talk about?," I asked, not really wanting to know.  
"Life..her...me..you," He said quietly, not looking me in the eye.  
"What about us?," I questioned, vaguely interested now.  
"Our friendships," He replied. "Our personal problems. Why none of us have any communication skills at all....why you own a plastic turtle money bank..."  
"Turtles," I informed him, "Are cool." We silently dwelled on this thought. "So...why don't we have any communication skills?"  
"Because we are all egotistical pitiful assholes who can't think of anything but ourselves," He paused. "And we're scared."  
"Thought so," I said quietly.  
"Miranda," He said after a moment. "I love you. I know that's not really enough to get through this stuff right now, but I do. And so does Lizzie. But we BOTH want you happy, and want to support you in everything you do-  
"Gordo. Shut up."  
"Okay then." We sat there, letting the words echo in the air. Weren't we supposed to kiss or something? No, that was the movies. This was real. I was real.  
The moment was deeper than a thousand passionate embraces and a hundred heated kisses. It was filled with love itself, filled forever. And for once, I didn't hide. I was not secluded and obscured; I was not lonely; I was not alone. I was filled, not with emptiness, but with love. That never happened to me before.  
So maybe, just for that moment, I could believe. I could let down the iron wall of tears and state my truth proudly. I LOVE, AND I AM LOVED.  
~@~  
High school is, in a weak definition, one big breeding ground. Couples flock around, seeing who is the happiest and who is the deepest and who looks best together. It's a giant competition to see who can keep a relationship SEEM healthy and wonderful. The faker it is, the better it is.  
There are the high school sweethearts, that stay together all through the hellish torture. The ones who might as well get married because they are constantly together. The ones who will live happily ever after...after a messy divorce, that is.  
Then, there are the flings. Ah, yes, the flings. Those consist of two day relationships of "oh, I love you!", followed by two months of "oh, that ass!". Those are the ones who cause the most grief and destruction, and the most entertainment.  
After that, of course, are the ones who can't stop breaking up and getting back together. This is a combination of the sweethearts and the flings, sometimes crossing over into either territory. Chances are, this ends in divorce at later times as well.  
There are normal people as well in this dating chain. Well, as normal as high school gets. They have a few good healthy relationships, break it off as friends, and let school work drive them insane instead of their love life. Did I mention normal people are rare to find?  
Finally, there are the misfits. You know, the ones who can't get dates and the ones who wreck dates. The old maids and the bald bachelors who will probably get married someday, but you can't picture it. There future love life is pretty much a big question.  
And why, you ask, am I telling you this? Because as I stared across the grounds, I saw it all. The social food chain. The love race. The most idiotic thing ever.  
I watched them eat each other's faces off, more for show than real affection. The sad thing was, the person attached to the tongue wagging in their mouth was a stranger.  
I mindlessly gazed Parker and Larry. It was odd how interesting it was to watch them. They weren't like the other couples, sprawling idiotically on the ground making out. They were laughing and talking and the only contact was holding hands. I loved couples like that. They were rare; a unique relationship most people don't stumble onto until, like, five seconds before death. Only misunderstanding could break people like that, and usually they have such a deep connection it never happens. I wondered how anyone got so lucky.....until that fateful mini golf game.  
My eyes wandered across oversexed bodies towards Lizzie. She seemed so alone, sitting there with Kate and Claire. She was smiling, and eventually she waved at me, but I knew she couldn't survive in this world of pairings. Boy/girl parings, at least.  
People naturally don't accept what they aren't used to. It's like an alarm ringing in there head. People set down boundaries of what's theirs and what's not, and an intruder is not what they want.  
I wanted to accept Lizzie's feelings. But her feelings were directed wrongly at me.  
"What are you thinking about?," Gordo questioned, sitting on the same picnic bench as me.  
"You," I replied.  
"Really now," He said, suddenly less interested. "What about me?"  
"Your....hair," I picked a random subject.  
"You were thinking what you're going to do now," He smirked knowingly. "Now that you have two best friends in love with you, and you love one of them."  
"How do you know I love you?," I asked teasingly. As if it wasn't obvious.  
"I didn't say that..." He was silenced when I grabbed his hand. There was something oddly awkward in this act, as if I had performed some sexual act upon you. Holding his hand! My goodness, Miranda, you dirty girl!  
Maybe it was all I've been through in the past weeks. Maybe it was Gordo. Maybe it was Lizzie. Maybe it was my dad. Maybe it was all of the above. But somewhere, somehow, something changed. I can no longer hide behind my fake smiles and slang terms. I am Miranda. I am not hidden. I love. And I am loved.  
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~  
ATTENTION: All author notes will be added in a separate chapter at the end of the story, which may be next chapter. I'm REALLY joyful that I have my whole Shoe Sisterhood, and if anyone has some suggestions on my next fic, PLEASE do tell. Any characters you think I should write about, any subjects..knock yourselves out, kids!  
I would also like to take this time to welcome CALEY into the Shoe Sisterhood!!! Caley, woman, you made it!!! I, funky pink high top, now pronounce you, and forever more, GROOVY MAGNETA FLIP FLOP. I'm VERY happy. Review, people! Last chance to join our Shoe Sisterhood! ::sob:: I'm so sad now. I have to get my pink scented tissues.... 


	17. Goodbye and Farewell

Okay, this is all author notes and explanations, so don't get too excited. That was the last chapter. Now I feel so weird, but that's where it needed to end. I've almost go 100 reviews, so I am SUPER happy. And SUPER sad. I can't believe its over. It was fun, updating so often. Oh well. I guess I'm going to have to write a sequel! The thing is, I'm not so sure what to write about in the sequel. So as of now, if anyone has any suggestions, PLEASE PLEASE tell me. I'll be eternally grateful (who knows? If it is usable, maybe I'll admit you into the sisterhood without posting five reviews. And if you are in the sisterhood already, maybe you can be a SUPER sister..you know, adding another adjective to your name or something. I don't know, it is a thought.) Anyway, I'm going to answer some questions and shout out to some reviewers.  
Elfin1: Socks. Are. Cool. But they aren't supposed to be wet. I DO rock. Kind of. Back and forth, back and forth....glad you liked chapter 13! Your reason for reviewing is very interesting, of course. You are very interesting. I'm counting your reviews...WOO HOO, GIRL! YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE SHOE SISTERHOOD FROM NOW ON. I'M EXCITED!!! I've never had an elf in the sisterhood..you're special. Okay, you shall reign forevermore as...GROOVY SILVER MARY JANE. Hip, huh? The shoe, not the person. Well, Duh, this being the SHOE SISTERHOOD THAT YOU'RE IN. Heh, Heh, Heh. I love this. MUCHO love. Thanks, sister!!!  
Love-fool: Endings..how evil. Sadness. Oh, well. I'll miss you MUCHO!!! Parker definitely rules in this fic for loving Larry. I have many Larry fans, and I thought I'd give you guys a bit of a treat. I love you!!!!  
Shmeilia Rockie: Hip name. I know the spacing got evil, but I hope it is a bit better at least. I'm glad you loved it, because I love people who love my fics. REMEMBER: If you're feeling unloved, come to me. I LOVE EVERYONE. Except this annoying, demon child...::mumbles:: I'm going to kill that hellish ass..oh, yes, right, reviewers!! Unfortunately, I can no longer update, because ::sniff:: It's over. Damn. Oh well. Thanks for reviewing!!!  
Baby-Angel aka Lala: I'm so SAD. You can no longer be my question lovie. Well, you can ask me questions, but it would be pretty much useless. Well, the questions from this review were answered, so....SNIFF. I love you, my sister! Thanks bunches!  
Jennavette: Ah, spacing. It's so challenging at times, really. The first chapters I must've done something freaky...well, anyway, I progress. I update a lot from my spare time (which now has run short) and my talents...::cough:: inspiration surge ::cough::. Anyway, thanks for reviewing and I hope you liked the end! Kisses!  
Nahima Tala: I've decided to give you a title. You already have a name, but a whole title...yes..okay, here we go. By the order of the funky pink high top, and all that is good and holy (and cheesy) in the world, I now declare you, Groovy Purple Boot, my most faithful reviewer. You were my first reviewer, and you have not stopped or ceased telling me I am fabulous. Thank you so much, and tell your friends!!! Getting together on a story sounds great, I just don't have a great history writing things with people (that being the understatement of the year...you should read some of the crap I came up with). But I would like to read stuff you have, and keep in contact. Kisses, sister!!  
Caley: I updated! Once...::pulls out pink scented tissues:: Anyway, about Lizzie. I'm putting that in my little Q&A thing after this, because people are selfish and never read anything but things addressed to them. Or is that respectful..hem. Oh well! MUCHO love, sister.  
See the light: I'm sad it came to an end too. It feels weird, really. Fan Fiction is being a poop about things, but I won't let it bug me. We, of course, must have Larry come up randomly. He's a kind of random guy... I came. I saw. I wrote. Thanks for reviewing!!!  
PinkPrincess: You're cool now. You are a SPECIAL sister. YAY. Parker, being the stalker voice of reason..Come on, I HAD to! I'm sorry I had to end, but I..had to. Yes, that's it. I can't believe it is over still. I'm so SORRY!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Thanks for being so great. KISSES!!!  
KarasumaFirestorm: OH. MY. GOODNESS. I totally didn't realize you reviewed SIX times!!!! I'M SORRY. Okay, okay, okay. Hem. I, funky pink high top, do hear by pronounce you GROOVY GOLD CROSS TRAINERS. Ooh, I like that one. Kind of funky and rebellious like. Hip!! Okay, I must move on. But WELCOME!!! AND THANK YOU!!! Love and kisses!!  
Espanachicana: A newbie when I'm ending. SO sad. Well, I do love you still. Reviewers are very lovable, making you lovable, making you loved by me!! I'm glad you loved it. I like it when people like my stories. I really do. I feel so flattered! Thank you bunches!!!!!!  
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~  
Now, Answers to your questions.  
A lot of you wanted to know if Miranda and Gordo got together. Yes, they did. They are now still holding hands on my picnic bench, waiting for me to write more. Oh, well. Maybe now they'll make out! Yeah.  
And as to Lizzie, she is a full on lesbian in this story.  
As to a sequel, I have vague ideas, but they aren't fluffy or definite M/G. It won't be a main romance at least. I'm thinking about it.  
Yes, any other questions, review/e-mail me and I'll respond. I love you guys so much, and I don't want to leave you, but I must. Talk to me, sisters!!!!  
  
~@~  
  
"Other men have seen angels, but I have seen thee And thou art enough."-G. Moore 


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